Hope.

Life is hectic and my focus was not on Him.

I sat in church, praying, "Lord, let me hear you. Let me see you."

I stood on stage singing at the Christmas musical about His birth and the joy this time of year brings, praying, "God, give me joy."

I stood beside my mom, discouraged after a day full of what seemed to be hopelessness. The words tumbled out of my mouth as if I didn't care, "I've given up all hope of having a normal Christmas this year. I'm just done." I shook my head and turned around, ready for a new day.

As I sat on my bed, doing my quiet time, I tried to hear His voice. I tried to see why all of this was going on. I prayed, I begged, "God, give me Your hope, Your peace. I need you."

It hit me. All at once it hit me. I could hear Him.

"My child, don't you see? I've been whispering my hope to you all day long! You just weren't listening. You were too busy seeking comfort in other things that you simply didn't hear my voice all day. I am hope. I am peace. I am joy. I am with you, my hope is with you. I am for you."

That morning in church, the sermon was about seeking the ONLY hope at this time of year. The hope in Jesus Christ.

"For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience." Romans 8:24-25

I stood on stage, singing about JOY and HOPE in Christ because of what He had done.

Luke 2:14, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!”

I received encouraging words and texts from friends, checking up on us and seeing if we needed anything.

"We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf..." Hebrews 6:19-20

I sat on my bed and read verses that ALL had to do with hope. I was too busy looking to stop and listen. 

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." Romans 15:13

My eyes were opened and there He was, whispering hope all day long.

And He's always there, always whispering hope into our darkest days, wanting us to stop and listen.

Because this hope He whispers is the greatest comfort.

So stop and listen.

Listen for His voice, whispering in the dark, "You are mine."

~Bailey

Life as a writer.

Life as a writer is....

Beautiful.

Frustrating.

Challenging.

Hard.

Amazing.

Learning to balance.

And this week I figured out my favorite part.

My favorite thing about writing is this-

When my reality stinks and I'm tired of living in this world, I can turn my mind into the reality of my writing. I can turn my mind around and live in the world of Chrissy and Carter. The world that is right now taking place in Uganda with chocolate babies and fictional characters that are more than real to me.

As a writer- my mind is constantly in two worlds, two different realities. And however odd this sounds, it's really happening.

I'll be sitting at the kitchen table, doing math, and all of the sudden I can see a scene happening in my head, as if it's happening right before my eyes. I can hear the conversation, feel people's emotions.

And I find it beautiful.

On horrible days, I go to Chrissy's world, shaping characters, figuring out plot points, seeing the beauty in her life.

Then I think, doesn't God feel the same way? He's already shaped my story- and it's grander than anything I could ever come up with on my own.

Through writing, somehow I can get a glimpse of how the Grand Author has already shaped my life, my character, my story.

It makes me SO thankful that I'm not in control of my life. Because even on the bad days, or hard weeks, I know it will get better.

I'm thankful today for being an author. For this gift He has given me and the two realities I can find myself in.

Though some days it's frustrating...because I'll be somewhere and feel this wave of creativity move in, and I can't write...it's also so beautiful.

And I love it.

I also can't wait for the day when you get to read book #1, which is now completed.

I'm just praying about what to do next.

And I have no doubt that because He's in control of it all, it will be beautiful.

Beauty.

These past two weeks have been hard. Really hard.

I had a migraine for two weeks straight. That was just awesome.

My heart was hurting.

But now- I'm doing much better.

Day #3(sort of) without a headache!

Haven't cried since Tuesday.

Sunday is youth Sunday.

Which means that the youth Praise Band (which I'm in!) will be playing in big church.

We had practice last night. I love it.

We're playing all our money songs, as Trent calls them. Cornerstone. Be Thou My Vision. Revelation Song.

I'm SO pumped.

Last night we were in practice and I was standing at my keyboard as we played "Great I Am."

I was singing at the top of my lungs, praising Him for being the Great I Am.

And it hit me.

I've been thinking about this time last year a lot lately, but last night- I thought about it differently.

I thought about the emotional wreck I was this time last year, the lack of trust I had in God, I wasn't playing in the Praise Band yet, Caroline and I weren't super close like we are now, everytime I heard "Great I Am" I sobbed.

I thought back to today.

I was standing on stage with Caroline, who has become one of my dearest friends, with Trent, who has basically adopted me as his little sister, with Becca and the rest of the band.

And last night I was thankful.

Because it was beautiful.

I was playing and singing with all that I had, praising Him. And this time last year, I couldn't have done that.

But now- I worship with all of me. I praise Him for being the Great I Am.

And even on days when I don't see it, He is Healer. He is the Great I Am. He is the only thing I will ever need.

And for the first time, I realized that this- this is beautiful.

The road He has me on, this journey, this heartache, this Joy in Him, it is beautiful.

It's a different kind of beauty.

But this healing He has brought me, it is indeed beautiful.

"When my sin is all that I can see,
Your grace remains the shelter that I seek.
And when my weakness is all I can give,
Your gentle Spirit gives me strength again.
And oh, the beauty of Your majesty,
On the cross You showed Your love for me...

You're beautiful, my Lord."

This life is full of beauty. May we always take time to find it, to find Him- our Beautiful Lord.

What's next?

Writing.

Write a book. Edit. Edit some more. Don't like it. Re-write. Edit again. Re-write again. Edit some more. Let people read it. Say you're done. Publish. The end! Famous author.

YEAH, RIGHT.

Let me tell you, it's NOT that easy.

Two years later, and I'm finally finished. It took three, yes three, re-writes, but I'm finally finished.

I'm very proud of my 41,306 words, 100-something pages.

This story...it's not just fiction. It's reflections on my life.

Going to go get Sonia. Traveling to Uganda. Paige dying.

It's all a story. In one way or another, it's how I saw those events. It's how they changed me, just through a new pair of eyes, a few different circumstances.

This story is one of grace. It's one of His beauty. And in the end, it's a story saying that His sovereign hand is in control of every situation in our lives.

For both years, I kept thinking, "I'll self publish and somehow I'll get famous...somehow."

I kept writing and I kept thinking, "I just want a copy in my hands! I don't care how..."

Now I'm finished.

And I don't quite know what to do.

I'm praying...continually asking Him, "Father, what do I do? Give me an answer. Show me what YOU want me to do." 

In all reality- I have no clue what I'm doing!

This is my first manuscript.

My first time walking through this journey...

I've written a cover letter to send off to some literary agents.

I've figured out how to raise the money to self-publish.

But what does He want me to do?

What will bring Him the most glory? What is His will in my writing?

I keep asking myself, "What's next? What do I do next?"

My mom asks, "What do you want to do next? What's your end goal?"

My thoughts? I have no idea. Right now, I don't know what I want. 

All I know right now is that I want a copy of MY book in MY hands.

I know that I want my writing to bring HIM glory.

But in the same breath I ask, what if I don't become a famous author? What if my writing is pointless?

And I just laugh and remember...it doesn't matter. If I don't become a famous author- who cares? Me, maybe. Because in the end...if my writing helps two or three people realize He is sovereign and perfect, then that's perfect.

In the end, if my writing brings Him glory...

Then I have accomplished the greatest goal.

And my writing won't be pointless- because His glory is the ultimate thing to strive for.

Closeness to Him is all I should strive for.

And whatever happens...

It's perfect. And it's in His will.

No matter what happens, no matter how hard it is to accept, no matter how frustrating life can be...

He is sovereign.

There's a very obvious reminder of this every time I open my book on the computer. The title comes up first...and I'm reminded it's all for Him, to Him and through Him.

"For I Know the Plans..." 

This weekend has been great.

Caroline, Jenna and I went to Trent and Sydney's house for a girls night. We watched Pride and Prejudice. He's the best adopted big brother.

I've been writing a lot.

The sequel is amazing. I don't know what in the world I'm going to do with the first one...I guess that would be important.

I wrote for almost four hours Tuesday. It was magical.

School is...crazy.

Overwhelming.

I just wanted this year to be different. Easier.

Oh well.

But after it all...

God is good.

John 16:33
        “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

"All our failure and all our fear,
God our love, He has overcome
All our heartache, and all our pain,
God our healer, He has overcome.

All our burdens, and all our shame,
God our freedom, He has overcome,
All our troubles, and all our tears,
God our hope, He has overcome.

All our failures, and all our fear,
God our love, He has overcome,
God our justice, God our grace,
God our freedom, He has overcome.

God our refuge, God our strength,
God is with us, He has overcome."
~Take Heart, Hillsong

7/24/13

And, oh, I'm running to your arms.
I'm running to your arms.
The riches of your love will always be enough.
Nothing compares to your embrace.
Light of the world forever reign.

My heart will sing no other name, Jesus, Jesus.

~~~

"I will not cause pain
    without allowing something new to be born," says the Lord.
-Isaiah 66:9

~~~

This day is hard.

I won't pretend.

My heart is hurting.

Remembering the thoughts flying through my mind exactly one year ago.

"God don't take her. I can't do this without her."

~~~

Hebrews 11:32-35

"And what more shall I say? For time would fail me to tell of Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, of David and Samuel and the prophets— who through faith conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, were made strong out of weakness, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight. Women received back their dead by resurrection. Some were tortured, refusing to accept release, so that they might rise again to a better life."

~~~

I rest today on the same faith in Hebrews 11.

The one that makes my weaknesses STRONG.

I can do ANYTHING through this faith.

I can find HOPE and JOY on a day of an anniversary of death.

~~~

Today-

she wouldn't want me being sad.

She wouldn't want me to spend my day moping around.

She would want me to LIVE.

John 10:10

"I came that they may have life and have it abundantly."- JESUS.

He wants me to have life. To live. And to live abundantly.

She would want me to celebrate my 16th birthday.

So.

Today I'm going to LIVE.

I'm going to LAUGH with my best friend this afternoon.

I'm going to do just as she would have done.

LIVE ABUNDANTLY.

I've been wanting to write.

This Wednesday is the 24th. Of July.

One year from when she left us.

I didn't know what to write about.

Until yesterday night.

At d*groups when my youth pastor was speaking...

He said something that caught my attention.

"We know as a follower of Christ life won't be easy. We know the tribulations and trials are coming. But are we preparing ourselves for that? Are we getting to a place with our relationship with Christ that when trials come the first thing we think to do is go before the Lord in prayer?"

I couldn't help but think back to this time last year.

I had just gotten back from camp.

Paige was the FIRST person to greet me when I got off the bus. Even before my parents.

We were getting ready for SWTA together.

But...

What if I had been hearing the exact same thing my youth pastor said last night?

Would that have made a difference in my reaction to the next couple of days...

I was probably just thinking, "I don't need to prepare. Because that will never happen to me."

And then it did.

Tragedy hit.

And I questioned God endlessly. I ran to people- not to Him.

Would my life then have been different?

If I would have been preparing for trials...would my reaction have been running to Him?

It just makes me think.

And gives me motivation to prepare for anything else that could come my way.

Because this year has certainly been full of trials.

Constantly something else.

So I'm going to LISTEN this time.

And prepare.


And hold on to all the sweet memories I have of us from those last few days.


What a great comfort it is to know that He has already overcome.

And we're back from camp!

We just got back from camp.

And it was INCREDIBLE.

David Platt spoke, Kristian Stanfill lead worship and we had a surprise band from IRELAND.

God moved.

He reminded me that I have a purpose.

That this last year was in His plan, however hard it was- it was his plan. As we sang "Like a Lion," I did the motions for her. And thought of her the whole time.

That His kingdom is worth fighting for.

And that the cost of following him is high- but it's worth it.

We laughed till our sides hurt.

We worshipped our hearts out.

We sang until we had nothing left.

We soaked in his glory and majesty like never before.


And now- I'm tired. I'm empowered. And I've got to get ready to leave Monday for Uganda. What an incredible week we've had.

David Platt was speaking...on missions...His words exactly, "I pray some of you will leave here and go to AFRICA." Out of all the continents, the first he lists is Africa. Emily and I had chills.

I'm SO thankful for this chance to focus only on God with some of my best friends.

And I cannot wait until Monday when we leave for Uganda.

My conclusion for this week? He's bigger. His plan is perfect. And I have clearly been called to GO.

To follow wherever he takes me.

~Bailey

So trust Him.

Well....

I guess I'm a junior now.

My sophomore year is coming to an end.

Since I'm homeschooled and we have to do math through the summer, we don't really have an official last day.

But that's okay!

I guess it's about time I start thinking about college. And the big, bad world beyond.

This year has been...a bit crazy...and college was the last thing I wanted to think about.

"Where are you going to college?" People asked.

"It's been a crazy year. That's not really on my mind." I would answer.

But eventually I have to move on...so it might as well be now.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Most of it has involved Paige...

She would have been at the wedding I went to Saturday. We would be going to lunch this week. She would have been at youth graduation at church, telling me to stop thinking that in two years that will be me. She would have been the one to stay with us while my grandma was in the hospital.

But then I was sitting with my grandma...and she said something that really had me thinking, "You can't focus on the 'what-ifs' or the 'should-haves,' you just have to do the best you can."

I shouldn't be focused on the things I would be doing IF she were here...or the things we SHOULD have been doing. It's hard not to, though. I want to keep thinking about her. I want her to be on the front of my mind. I don't want a day to go by without me thinking, "I miss you."

I sat with Mary Saturday at the wedding. And we both laughed. Really laughed about life, and I knew Paige would be happy. I went to lunch with Megan and Haley on Saturday. We talked about weddings and our future and how crazy it was that in 5 years she could be a mom...and I would be half way through college. I knew Paige would be glad I was having a good time. I stand in worship and proclaim to Jesus, "Be lifted higher than all you've overcome." I knew she would be proud of me for making an effort, with Him by my side, to overcome these challenges in life. We play the 'Great I Am' downstairs with the praise band...and I worship as hard as I can. Because I'm finally able to. I knew she would be proud of me for making steps towards healing.

It's in things like that I think about her.

And in two weeks, when I leave for Uganda with my best friend and my dad...I know, without a shadow of a doubt that she is proud of me. And I think about those things...

And I wish she were here.

But Lissa said, "God's timing is way more accurate. So trust him."

It can be as simple as that...trust him.

Two words that can make a world of difference.

So I trust Him.

In this life. In this grieving. In the joy. In the laughter. In each step I take.

Because I am His. More precious to Him than the span of the sparkling ocean or the vastness of the stars in the sky. He knows the plan He has for my life and it's perfect. One day I will see...not now, but one day...how beautiful the masterpiece He has created for me really is.

So I trust Him.

To my sweet Haley!

Tomorrow is a very special day.

For a very special little girl.

Who holds a very special place in my heart.

I love her just a little bit.

Miss Haley's birthday is tomorrow.

This little girl- she gives amazing hugs.

She loves God.

She loves other people. And she has a HUGE and LOVING heart.

When we were on TV for our trip to Uganda she went into school and said to her teacher, "My best friend was on TV today!!" 

How can you resist that?!

Miss Haley-

You need to stop growing up so fast! 

Sooner than you know it you'll be walking through the doors at highschool.

And you'll make me feel REALLY old. 

Sweet girl, you'll never know how much I love you. And how much you mean to me.

I know you miss Paige. I do too...a whole lot. But we're making through it together! 

I'll always be here for you. No matter what happens.

I love you! Keep Jesus first!

Love your 15 year old best friend- Bailey :)

Would you join me in wishing Haley a very happy 8th birthday?!

He is my hope.

I stand on the back porch of the beach house staring out at the ocean.

He is my hope.

Emily and I sit on the beach, a book in each of our hands. Soaking in the sunlight shining on our skin.

He is my hope.

We ride down the road on our bikes to the shopping center to get ice cream. We laugh.

He is my hope.

We go see Little Women the play at the local youth theater. We laugh all the way home. Memories are made. Ones that will never, ever be forgotten.

He is my hope. 

I walk down the beach, my toes barely touching the water. The clouds are pink- cotton candy pink. I think of Lissa's mom. I think of Paige. She would have loved it.

He is my hope.

I hold Harper in my arms. Rocking her to sleep as she cries softly. Paige will never get to meet her. I soak up these moments with her. Because even if I'm not thinking about it now... They're moving. Eventually. And she won't be little forever...they won't be here, close to our home, forever.

He is my hope.

We go into one of the shops. I see the doll we sent her. It was a "Preppy Paige" doll. Completely opposite of who she was is. We sent it because it was funny.

He is my hope.

Sadness fills my heart. I feel cheated. I can't send her pictures of all the beautiful things I'm seeing. I used to share all this with her. Now, well, now I can't.

He is my hope.

I stand beside Lissa in church. Her heart is hurting more than I can imagine today. I hold her sweet girl close to me as we pray.

He is my hope.

I fill out my Summer With the Arts form. Tears come to my eyes. I just think about that week. It makes me sick. And I hurt all over again.

He is my hope.

My birthday without her- again. My 16th of all things. Camp without her. Uganda without her. Summer With the Arts...without her.

He. Is. My. Hope.

Yes. That He is. Always.

HE. IS. MY. HOPE.

This is what He's doing.

Leadership.

We talked about this at youth group last night. And I've been thinking about it since.

How can I be a better leader?

-being in His Word
-being a servant
-being an Example

But really? How can I live this out every day?

I need to watch my mouth. I need to show them what a godly young woman looks like, even though I'm still learning myself. I need to be in His word...so they will see what the results are. I need to pray continuously for them in their walks with Him.

-----

Yesterday was the 24th.

9 months since she...I just can't force the words out.

9 months and 1 day since I've heard her voice...or gotten a text...

Yesterday was the first time I REALLY needed her advice.

It was one of the many, many days I've wanted a text...or a hug...or a call.

But it was the first time I truly needed advice.

I need my mentor back.

I need my sister back.

I need my friend back...well she was more than a friend.

-----

Classical ended Tuesday. We're done...

And I never thought I'd see that day.

It's been a hard, hard year.

But like when mom and I talked, God has shown me that I am capable of doing so much more than I think.

He's taking me to Uganda.

He's given me a best friend who is so supportive it blows me out of the water.

He's brought me Lissa and Megan.

He's given me sweet Harper Elizabeth and her oh-so-beautiful self!

He's given me laughter and joy on days when I thought I was going to have pain in abundance...like yesterday. I laughed all day long, literally.

He's spoken to me in the secret. In the times when I'm by myself with him, right before bed, he's given me a word...one that's just for me.

He's been faithful.

He's shown me that prayer really does work.

He's given me times of rest.

He's given me strength.

He's given me wisdom.

Most of all...He's loved me. And because he loved me...he's gotten me through this year.

In the midst of heartache...

In the midst of hate and anger...

In the middle of brokenness and being lost...

He's held me and gotten me through.

-----

So these? These are my thoughts from yesterday and today.

My best friends have blessed me so much.

Yesterday(like I already said) we literally laughed all day, then I saw some of my other best friends(who happen to be 35 and 19...haha) and we laughed and laughed. And it was a great day.

Yesterday I expected grieving...He gave me joy- in abundance!

And how grateful I am of that.

This post might have seemed really random.

But everything I've said...or typed...are things God is doing. Things He is telling me.

And if God is doing it...it's worth writing about.

Even if it's sad or depressing.

God is doing it, it's in His plan, and He's calling you to this life.

So I write to show you that even in the shadows and hard places...

He brings you joy and laughter.

He gives you friends who will support you and give you advice along the way.

He is faithful. Always.

And that's what I'm learning.

-Bailey

It's just where I am.

I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Classical is over in two weeks. And oh what tears of joy and sighs of relief will be let out. I literally can't wait. Even though we still have a bit of school after classical is over, it's not the same. It's a break. And then comes summer...and I'm beyond excited.

Yesterday...yesterday was a hard day. I woke up with a migraine and knew- yep, this is going to be a hard day. I just had a gut instinct. And I was right!! It was a long, hard and in part rewarding day.

But you wanna know the best part? (Besides seeing some of my favorite people at church.)

I found something.

I was looking through my phone for whatever reason and I came across something.

When I realized what it was I almost burst into tears. No lie.

It made me leap for joy and excitement, but it also made me really, really sad.

Here's what I found.

"Bailey B. you are a wonderful young lady and you make me smile a whole lot. I'm so glad the Lord put you in my life. I love you :]"

You know who wrote that?

Paige Elizabeth.

I remember her writing it and me reading it. But finding it yesterday was such a treasure, I can't even tell you how happy it made me. It made me miss little notes like that.

But it was just like God knew that I needed to hear from her, to know that she loves me and that she is proud of me (I refuse to use past tense.). And He knew that I needed to be reminded that one day- I'll see her again. (Geez- I'm about to cry, again.) As one of my friends said, "You know, He's kinda good at that." He's good at knowing what we need.

I read it over, and over, and over again, dwelling on those words, "Love you..." because, to be honest, out of all the things she said to me- that's what I've wanted to hear all this time.

As I pour my heart out onto this computer screen...it's more than just words to me. It's what God is doing, how He is moving in my life. And how every day, He's bringing me through with such constant reminders that He's here with me.

So... that's what's going on.

I'm tired.

I miss her.

I need God.

But He's continually showing me that He's here. And He's always giving me little reminders of her that never fail to either make me cry or make me really happy.

And Paige- I'm really, super duper glad the Lord put you in my life, too. Thanks for loving Jesus. And for leaving me that note. It made my day. I can't wait to see you friend.
With my love and a hug- Bailey

This Easter I choose...

I'm supposed to be doing school right now...

But my mind is literally EVERYWHERE.

Sunday is Easter...I don't have a dress.

It's 9:07 and I just got up and I have a full day of school today.

My BFF is coming tonight, we're going shopping, and it's going to be great fun.

But what I really can't stop thinking about is last night, we had a communion service at church in the sanctuary.

I can vividly remember one of the last times I sat in that sanctuary. Paige's body was in a casket on the at the front of the room.

And every time I'm in the sanctuary, that's all I can think about. That day when I sobbed audibly. That day when tears didn't stop. That day when my dearest friends grieved with me. That day when I didn't want God. That day when I thought, "How could He do this to me?" It was by far, hands down, the hardest day of my life.

And tears fill my eyes every time I think of that day.

I can hear our music pastor playing the Tennessee Waltz on Trumpet, she cried every time she heard that song. And I cried that day too. I can hear my dad crying while reading my letter to her. I can hear everyone singing the Great I Am.

All that to say...this Easter isn't easy.

It's going to be one of the last firsts without her.

My birthday has already passed, Christmas, the New Year, Thanksgiving...

I remember last Easter, she was SO excited that she had gotten her entire family to come to Rich Fork.

"Bailey B! Go say hi to my family!" She said after hugging me. I went and said hi, but Paige couldn't sit still. She was so excited about that day that Jesus saved her. And that her family was there to celebrate.

I remember two years ago, I sat with her on Easter, and we worshipped together.

This year, God's love amazes me more than ever. I have found God in circumstances I would have never imagined.

He has shown me that He is there in every circumstance. He has shown me that He loves me even when I cry, "Why did you do this to me?"

He loves me all the time.

He found me when I didn't want Him because He took my Paige, and I didn't know why.

He rescued me. And showed me His love in a way I've never experienced it before.

And last night, as I took of His body and His blood, His sacrifice for me was so real, so evident.

And I am so thankful that today, many years ago, He died for me. He sacrificed Himself for me, because He loved me in spite of my sinfulness.

He knew I would need Him more than anything.

So He allowed Himself to be nailed to the cross and give Himself up to death.

He died for ME. He rose for ME. He loves ME.


This Easter....she gets to celebrate with her Savior.

This Easter....I worship from Earth, praising Him because He loves me, even when I don't.

This Easter....I recognize His unending love for me, that covers me every day.

And I choose to worship and love Him with everything I have in me.

Because, this Easter, she wouldn't want me to grieve, she would want me to worship and be thankful for my Savior's love.

So that's what I'm going to do.

~Bailey

Unending Love

It's been a while since I've written.

And a lot has happened I haven't posted about.

I'm in the Senior Praise Band for our youth group, we play every Wednesday night. And I love it. SO. Much. Getting to lead others in praise is an incredible feeling and responsibility.

We played this song last night...

It talks about His unfailing love...how His promises are the greatest comfort and how we can always rest in His peace.

It made me realize how much I take for granted the love of Jesus I receive. It made me long to be closer to Him.

It made me think...that through these months of pain, He's brought me joy. He's brought me through. He's given me friendships that I wouldn't have found otherwise. He's loved me continually. Even when honestly, I was too angry to love Him back. He's brought me new mercies every morning. So why shouldn't I praise Him and give Him all I have?

I've listened to it a whole lot today...and these words are the cry of my heart.

You don't even have to watch the video, just listen to the words...and let you heart soak them in as I did.

Enjoy it friends. And have a wonderful day.



~Bailey

My Paige Elizabeth-

Here I sit at the computer after working on my book for a while.

But I can't get this thought off of my mind.

You know that song? The one from the musical for Summer With the Arts...it was called, "I Believe." It went something like this...

I believe, oh I believe in Jesus. I believe He died and he rose again. 

Every time you listened to it- you cried, because all you could think of was sitting there watching all of the kids sing it on Sunday night after SWTA. Watching all those kids cry out how they believed in their Savior, and how much they loved Him. Well, I can tell you, it was great. I cried for you.

I've told you how I'm helping in children's choir this year, right? I'm doing it because of you.

The kids are learning this song. It's called "Bring My Praise." You would love it. I can't help but sit there and just listen to the sweet voices of the kids sing to the Lord in praise.

No one else can bring my praise but me. No one else can bring my offerring. You have put a love song deep inside of me...I love you, I need you....

I now know exactly how you feel about "I Believe." It amazes me to listen to the kids just sing, declaring their need for their Sweet Jesus. I love to watch their faces as they sing their hearts out. It makes me smile.

I think of you every. single. time I hear that song. And when they sing it in church- I'm probably gonna cry, and you know I don't typically cry. So that's a big deal.

I'll cry for you. I'll hug them for you. I'll tell them how proud of them you are. I'll tell them that because the Lord put you in my life and you loved me so much, I love them.

You're great.

I think of you often. I know you wouldn't trade time with Jesus for anything, but selfishly I really, really wish you were here with me.

And I miss you so desperately.

With love and a hug- your Bailey Elizabeth.

May you have the sweetest of birthdays today.

I love you.

I love that picture, it's so us.

And I miss you, I miss times together, laughs together.

I wish you were here, but I know you'll have a spectacular birthday.

Have a happy 21st birthday my dearest Paige.

Love, me.

It's the 24th.

I've thought about this day for a long while.

What I would write...and written many posts, but nothing quite fit.

If it would just feel like every other day of missing her.

I read so many posts/tweets of people grieving...they have so many words to express their sadness.

Me?

Somedays I do...but not today.

Today...I just simply miss her. More than normal.

I miss her laughter, her hugs, her letters, her texts, and our time together...

It's been 6 months since she left. 6 months since I cried out desperately to God, "Don't take her. I can't do this without her." And somehow, it really hasn't gotten a whole lot easier.

It's just hard to believe that she's not on this earth anymore. I lay in bed some nights wondering what it would be like if she were here...

If school would be easier. Not so draining.

If we would have gone to App to see her last semester when the trees were turning colors.

If we would have had fun adventures together listening to Taylor Swift during Christmas break.

If she would love my room all redone and big girlish.

If I wouldn't be so burnt out...about everything.

I wonder what she would have said when Harper was born and she saw her for the first time.

Or when I told her me and my best friend get to go to Uganda together this summer.

I wonder how incredibly different my life would be....

And then I read this verse....

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:8

These past six months....

They were certainly not my way. Not the way my sophomore year would have gone.

My way?

She would still be here. I would still be getting letters. And texts. And hugs. And I could know that I could simply text her whenever I needed to talk.

But things don't go my way.

They go HIS way.

And these past six months...they were his way.

The tears.

The heartache.

The pain.

But then again...

Harper was His way.

Uganda was His way.

Coming closer to Melissa was His way.

Being able to love on sweet 8th grade girls was His way.

The memories I have of her...the ones that make me laugh. The ones that make me cry...those were his plan too.

Even though I know these past 6 months were his plan...July 24th 2012 was His plan...

It makes this no easier. The pain is still the same. The tears still rise at the words, "I miss her."

But somehow...on the days when my pain is deepest...

On the days when I miss her the most,

The Lord whispers, "My dearest child, it's alright. She's here. You'll see her again. And when you see her again...you'll be together with ME, worshipping ME for all of eternity. That's so much better than anything you could ever have received with her on this earth." And He wraps His arms around me...and together...only with Him, do I move on to the next day.

So like any other day of grieving...

He will wrap His arms around me...and together- we'll get through. One day at a time.

I miss you Paige Elizabeth. More than any words could ever describe.

Love, Bailey Elizabeth

Bring it on.

I've heard it said that the four years in high school are the best years in your life.

I really, really, really hope that's not true.

Cause this year...well here's the low-down, good and bad.

We started with finishing my freshman year (and finishing driver's ed) - hallelujah that's over.

And throughout the year we had d*weekend, spring formal, Sonia's 4th birthday, the beach trip, my sweet niece was born...good gracious I'm smitten with her, so many fun things.

But in the midst of all that same summer time- the best of the year...or it was supposed to be at least.

Camp came first...which was pretty great.

Then came...yeah...Summer with the arts. One of the worst weeks in my life. Not until this summer did I ever imagine that would come out of my mouth.

On Tuesday I woke up and it was a normal day...until I found out she didn't wake up. She was gone. And my life changed forever.

I lost my mentor, one of my best friends, my big sister...I lost such a big part in my life, and so did do many others. And each day, I just find I miss her more and more...and it really hasn't gotten too much easier.

This year has been exhausting, and for once, I'm ready for it to be over.

This year has been the hardest year of my entire life, there have been more tears, more pain, more suffering, than ever.

But surprisingly, I've grown closer to my Savior than ever. I have so many questions...but I'm so much closer to Him...I still am angry, confused at what happened this summer...but I love Him so dearly.

So 2013- all I've got to say is...

Bring. It. On.

This Christmas

Christmas.

That word has always made my heart leap for joy. The music. The presents. The excitement! The bows and gifts and paper. The Christmas Eve service. The Christmas program our church has. The packages coming in the mail. The birth of our Savior. The joy, the salvation, the HOPE He brings. Each little thing each year just made my heart leap for happiness and joy.

This year...

it came a bit differently.

Joy? Oh yes. I have a niece! Who has given me so much joy and thankfulness. Her present is precious :)

Grief? Yes. Pain? Yes. Sadness? Yes.

She's everywhere.

"Where one is born, another leaves, branches on the family tree..." She's in the music.

I distinctly remember the picture frame I got her for Christmas last year, it was black...and white...with a picture of us. She's in the presents, the gifts.

I stood on stage this weekend with all the kids, dressed in their black and white, singing with all the passion in their hearts, "Born is the King, it's Christmas!" She once stood beside me when I was in children's choir. She's there too.

I can see her worshiping, arms lifted, in her seat the Sunday before Christmas- rejoicing that 2,000 years ago the Savior was born for all of us. She's at church.

Finding joy this Christmas season...it's hard. That joy that was there last year- it's not the same.
______

I wrote that post about a week ago...I was in a hard spot. I've been thinking about what I wrote- and then it hit me, sitting in church Sunday...her favorite place, it's like she's closer there.

It hit me...she's in the music, in the gifts, in children's choir, she's at church...

I had been saying it over and over again....she's here. Yes, she's far away...very very far, and no I can't text her, can't run to her and hug her...but in a way- she's here with me every day.

No, it doesn't really make sense how she's still here- but she just is. Some days the hurt is unbearable, I look at her face in pictures and I just want to cry...but other days, there's a weird kind of joy...not the "Oh my goodness I'm so happy!" kind of joy...but joy. Somehow in the pain of today as I write this, in the pain of each day- joy.

I think it's because I know in a while, I'll see her again- I'll be with her and we will get to celebrate the Savior's birth together once again- in the best possible way, praising him together.

This verse has been my best friend lately, "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4

My friends...that's heaven. That's where she is. And oh what a glorious Christmas she will have this year.

So for today...I'm comforted by the thought that I will see her again, and we will get to celebrate Christmas together...And I'll choose to love, to serve with joy, to worship His name just as she is now- right at this very moment.