I guess I'm a junior now.
My sophomore year is coming to an end.
Since I'm homeschooled and we have to do math through the summer, we don't really have an official last day.
But that's okay!
I guess it's about time I start thinking about college. And the big, bad world beyond.
This year has been...a bit crazy...and college was the last thing I wanted to think about.
"Where are you going to college?" People asked.
"It's been a crazy year. That's not really on my mind." I would answer.
But eventually I have to move on...so it might as well be now.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Most of it has involved Paige...
She would have been at the wedding I went to Saturday. We would be going to lunch this week. She would have been at youth graduation at church, telling me to stop thinking that in two years that will be me. She would have been the one to stay with us while my grandma was in the hospital.
But then I was sitting with my grandma...and she said something that really had me thinking, "You can't focus on the 'what-ifs' or the 'should-haves,' you just have to do the best you can."
I shouldn't be focused on the things I would be doing IF she were here...or the things we SHOULD have been doing. It's hard not to, though. I want to keep thinking about her. I want her to be on the front of my mind. I don't want a day to go by without me thinking, "I miss you."
I sat with Mary Saturday at the wedding. And we both laughed. Really laughed about life, and I knew Paige would be happy. I went to lunch with Megan and Haley on Saturday. We talked about weddings and our future and how crazy it was that in 5 years she could be a mom...and I would be half way through college. I knew Paige would be glad I was having a good time. I stand in worship and proclaim to Jesus, "Be lifted higher than all you've overcome." I knew she would be proud of me for making an effort, with Him by my side, to overcome these challenges in life. We play the 'Great I Am' downstairs with the praise band...and I worship as hard as I can. Because I'm finally able to. I knew she would be proud of me for making steps towards healing.
It's in things like that I think about her.
And in two weeks, when I leave for Uganda with my best friend and my dad...I know, without a shadow of a doubt that she is proud of me. And I think about those things...
And I wish she were here.
But Lissa said, "God's timing is way more accurate. So trust him."
It can be as simple as that...trust him.
Two words that can make a world of difference.
So I trust Him.
In this life. In this grieving. In the joy. In the laughter. In each step I take.
Because I am His. More precious to Him than the span of the sparkling ocean or the vastness of the stars in the sky. He knows the plan He has for my life and it's perfect. One day I will see...not now, but one day...how beautiful the masterpiece He has created for me really is.
So I trust Him.