We stand in church.
I hear the beat...I know the song.
And I sing the words, my heart heavy, but somehow I'm able to praise Him.
"Great I am, Great I am..."
It was her song.
And I don't cry.
Because I can't.
And people don't understand why I wasn't crying.
I've done so much of it already. And sometimes...you just can't. Your heart is hard, you are angry at nothing in particular - just angry she's gone, angry she's not here to sing it with you.
The song ends...I take a deep breath...I have to keep going.
I walk up to my adult friend Melissa, holding her seven year old little girl, who is crying into her shoulder.
"She misses Paige." Melissa tells me. I hold my hands out for Haley to come into.
I stand holding her tightly in my arms in the worship center as people pass around us and she cries onto my shoulder, tears dripping onto my shirt. I miss her too, sweet girl, I miss her too, I think.
Her dad takes her to Sunday school.
I go to Sunday school. I try to look like I'm paying attention...but I'm so tired, I have no idea what my teacher is talking about.
I show Melissa a book of memories I made of Paige and I over the 6ish years I knew her. I still don't cry. I just don't have tears.
The rest of the day, I miss her. I do other things...but I miss her.
And every day, I wake up and my mom asks me, "You okay this morning?"
"Not really." Tears well in my eyes as she kisses me on the forehead. But I still don't cry.
I go through the day...missing her.
And missing her some more. Praying nothing reminds me too much of her. Because it just makes it worse.
I hate checking the mail...it reminds me of the giddy feeling I would get when one of her letters would come.
So I go through each day...thanking God he's giving me such strength. And loving Him...and relying on Him more and more. And thanking Him for the time I had with her and the relationship we shared.
And tomorrow night, as I lead worship with some friends, I will be praising God...picturing her in the audience singing along with her whole heart...no shoes on...her bible under her chair...and her heart completely sold out for her savior.