Saturday, September 15, 2012

Each day...

We stand in church.

I hear the beat...I know the song.

And I sing the words, my heart heavy, but somehow I'm able to praise Him.

"Great I am, Great I am..."

It was her song.

And I don't cry.

Because I can't.

And people don't understand why I wasn't crying.

I've done so much of it already. And just can't. Your heart is hard, you are angry at nothing in particular - just angry she's gone, angry she's not here to sing it with you.

The song ends...I take a deep breath...I have to keep going.

I walk up to my adult friend Melissa, holding her seven year old little girl, who is crying into her shoulder.

"She misses Paige." Melissa tells me. I hold my hands out for Haley to come into.

I stand holding her tightly in my arms in the worship center as people pass around us and she cries onto my shoulder, tears dripping onto my shirt. I miss her too, sweet girl, I miss her too, I think.

Her dad takes her to Sunday school.

I go to Sunday school. I try to look like I'm paying attention...but I'm so tired, I have no idea what my teacher is talking about.

I show Melissa a book of memories I made of Paige and I over the 6ish years I knew her. I still don't cry. I just don't have tears.

The rest of the day, I miss her. I do other things...but I miss her.

And every day, I wake up and my mom asks me, "You okay this morning?"

"Not really." Tears well in my eyes as she kisses me on the forehead. But I still don't cry.

I go through the day...missing her.

And missing her some more. Praying nothing reminds me too much of her. Because it just makes it worse.

I hate checking the reminds me of the giddy feeling I would get when one of her letters would come.

So I go through each day...thanking God he's giving me such strength. And loving Him...and relying on Him more and more. And thanking Him for the time I had with her and the relationship we shared.

And tomorrow night, as I lead worship with some friends, I will be praising God...picturing her in the audience singing along with her whole shoes on...her bible under her chair...and her heart completely sold out for her savior.