Thursday, January 24, 2013

It's the 24th.

I've thought about this day for a long while.

What I would write...and written many posts, but nothing quite fit.

If it would just feel like every other day of missing her.

I read so many posts/tweets of people grieving...they have so many words to express their sadness.


Somedays I do...but not today.

Today...I just simply miss her. More than normal.

I miss her laughter, her hugs, her letters, her texts, and our time together...

It's been 6 months since she left. 6 months since I cried out desperately to God, "Don't take her. I can't do this without her." And somehow, it really hasn't gotten a whole lot easier.

It's just hard to believe that she's not on this earth anymore. I lay in bed some nights wondering what it would be like if she were here...

If school would be easier. Not so draining.

If we would have gone to App to see her last semester when the trees were turning colors.

If we would have had fun adventures together listening to Taylor Swift during Christmas break.

If she would love my room all redone and big girlish.

If I wouldn't be so burnt out...about everything.

I wonder what she would have said when Harper was born and she saw her for the first time.

Or when I told her me and my best friend get to go to Uganda together this summer.

I wonder how incredibly different my life would be....

And then I read this verse....

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:8

These past six months....

They were certainly not my way. Not the way my sophomore year would have gone.

My way?

She would still be here. I would still be getting letters. And texts. And hugs. And I could know that I could simply text her whenever I needed to talk.

But things don't go my way.

They go HIS way.

And these past six months...they were his way.

The tears.

The heartache.

The pain.

But then again...

Harper was His way.

Uganda was His way.

Coming closer to Melissa was His way.

Being able to love on sweet 8th grade girls was His way.

The memories I have of her...the ones that make me laugh. The ones that make me cry...those were his plan too.

Even though I know these past 6 months were his plan...July 24th 2012 was His plan...

It makes this no easier. The pain is still the same. The tears still rise at the words, "I miss her."

But somehow...on the days when my pain is deepest...

On the days when I miss her the most,

The Lord whispers, "My dearest child, it's alright. She's here. You'll see her again. And when you see her'll be together with ME, worshipping ME for all of eternity. That's so much better than anything you could ever have received with her on this earth." And He wraps His arms around me...and together...only with Him, do I move on to the next day.

So like any other day of grieving...

He will wrap His arms around me...and together- we'll get through. One day at a time.

I miss you Paige Elizabeth. More than any words could ever describe.

Love, Bailey Elizabeth