I'm supposed to be doing school right now...
But my mind is literally EVERYWHERE.
Sunday is Easter...I don't have a dress.
It's 9:07 and I just got up and I have a full day of school today.
My BFF is coming tonight, we're going shopping, and it's going to be great fun.
But what I really can't stop thinking about is last night, we had a communion service at church in the sanctuary.
I can vividly remember one of the last times I sat in that sanctuary. Paige's body was in a casket on the at the front of the room.
And every time I'm in the sanctuary, that's all I can think about. That day when I sobbed audibly. That day when tears didn't stop. That day when my dearest friends grieved with me. That day when I didn't want God. That day when I thought, "How could He do this to me?" It was by far, hands down, the hardest day of my life.
And tears fill my eyes every time I think of that day.
I can hear our music pastor playing the Tennessee Waltz on Trumpet, she cried every time she heard that song. And I cried that day too. I can hear my dad crying while reading my letter to her. I can hear everyone singing the Great I Am.
All that to say...this Easter isn't easy.
It's going to be one of the last firsts without her.
My birthday has already passed, Christmas, the New Year, Thanksgiving...
I remember last Easter, she was SO excited that she had gotten her entire family to come to Rich Fork.
"Bailey B! Go say hi to my family!" She said after hugging me. I went and said hi, but Paige couldn't sit still. She was so excited about that day that Jesus saved her. And that her family was there to celebrate.
I remember two years ago, I sat with her on Easter, and we worshipped together.
This year, God's love amazes me more than ever. I have found God in circumstances I would have never imagined.
He has shown me that He is there in every circumstance. He has shown me that He loves me even when I cry, "Why did you do this to me?"
He loves me all the time.
He found me when I didn't want Him because He took my Paige, and I didn't know why.
He rescued me. And showed me His love in a way I've never experienced it before.
And last night, as I took of His body and His blood, His sacrifice for me was so real, so evident.
And I am so thankful that today, many years ago, He died for me. He sacrificed Himself for me, because He loved me in spite of my sinfulness.
He knew I would need Him more than anything.
So He allowed Himself to be nailed to the cross and give Himself up to death.
He died for ME. He rose for ME. He loves ME.
This Easter....she gets to celebrate with her Savior.
This Easter....I worship from Earth, praising Him because He loves me, even when I don't.
This Easter....I recognize His unending love for me, that covers me every day.
And I choose to worship and love Him with everything I have in me.
Because, this Easter, she wouldn't want me to grieve, she would want me to worship and be thankful for my Savior's love.
So that's what I'm going to do.