Friday, August 3, 2012

I miss her.

I think I'm ready to write again.

I want to be happy, I want to wake up and be happy and not be continually grieving.

But at the same time I don't- because I'm scared I will forget her. Forget the sweet memories we had. Forget how much love she showed me. Forget how much I love her.

Every morning I wake up- she's the first thing that comes to my mind.

"Paige is gone." First thought, every morning, without fail.

She was my mentor. My friend. My sister. She was so much to me.

Yesterday, I thought- "Hey! I want to talk to Paige!" Got out my phone, flipped it open and grief filled my heart yet again knowing I will never have another texting conversation with her about nothing in particular, just talking about life. I will never get another letter from her. Ever.

And I know how happy she is, and how she would want me to be happy. But I just can't. It just hurts too much.

My biggest fear is not about my own life, about the future or what is to come. It is forgetting her. Forgetting everything that she meant to me. I cling tight to the memories... the pictures... and the letters we shared.

I'm fearful.
I'm angry at nothing in particular.
I'm broken.
I'm hurting.
I'm tired of questions.
I'm ready to wake up from this horrible dream.

But it's reality. Horrible reality that is my life.

I don't want to move on. I want to miss her forever.

I miss her so much. So so so much.


Oh and sorry my blog is so depressing right now.