Sunday night we stood behind the stage and held hands as we prayed.
We then walked onto the stage, took our places and began to sing.
The heaviness of missing her lifted, just for then, as I began to praise my creator.
I sat at the piano, playing and singing passionately to the One who is, "mighty to save..." to the One that can, "move the mountains."
I was able to worship my Creator for who He is, without thoughts crawling back into my mind.
I was able to think, "She has the best seat in the house...I bet she is so proud...I can hear her saying, 'God, God, come look at these kids! Look what they are doing for you! See her, yeah, that's my Bailey,'" without feeling sad.
Somehow...it seems when I open my heart for worship...I feel free. And happy. And I can miss her without being sad.
At the end of our worship night we walked off stage and as I was hugged and praised for what we had done...I thought..."This wasn't for me. I didn't have fun because people were here to see me play piano or my brothers and my friend play guitar...I had fun because my Creator loves me enough to let me worship Him and lead others in worship to Him!"
Because somehow when I'm in God's presence, worshiping Him, I can smile. I can be happy. I can feel comforted. I can feel her.
And I smiled that night. And I laughed, as I have done many times these past few months, but this time...my heart was just...it was just different.
Because somehow in God's presence...I can feel Him moving easier. I can feel Him surrounding me. I can feel Him loving me...and saying, "Paige saw you tonight. She loved it. I loved it so much more. Because you are mine, and you worshiped me tonight with no hesitation. You didn't care what others thought. You were worshiping me with your whole heart. And I love you dearest child."
When I'm worshiping- God feels closer. And because God feels closer- Paige does too.
And when Paige feels closer, somehow...I can feel God's love so much more.
I can really smile. I can really laugh. I can really have fun- when I feel His love.
And I'm doing it. More and more each day. Not every day. But it's happening. Happiness- it's there. Joyfulness- it's there. They may be hard to find...but somehow, even when you can't see it, they are there.
God's love- it's there, each and every day.
So smile. So be happy. So love others.
Because somehow- even through our sins and our horrible attitudes, God loves us each day. And he wants us to smile and be happy and to love others.
AND- Paige would be the one encouraging me, even through this hard time, to find joy. To find happiness. To continue to choose to feel God's love. Because that's who she was.
So I'm going to be like her.
I'm going to choose to miss her...but while I search for joy. And for happiness. And continue to choose God's love.
And if bad days happen...that's okay. And I've accepted them. They're part of the process. But after that...I'm going to continue to search for joy, happiness and God's love.
What will you choose this day?