Goodbye friend.

This week is going to be hard. 

Well, more like the beginning of next week. 

Why you ask?

Nick leaves for the Navy on Monday. 

He's like my brother-in-law. 

When I first met him, I had no idea how close he would become to me. How much he would feel like family. 

Because we are family. 

And what's even harder than that...is that my big sister and niece will leave later this year, and right now, we don't even know where. 

My heart is hurting, friends. Those three are family. They mean so much to me. 

I'm so proud to call them family. Because what they're doing is incredible. They're following what God is calling them to do even if they have no idea where it will take them (literally). It's a brave thing what they're doing. 

And I'm going to miss them. So, so, so very much. 

Friends- don't pray for me. I've made it through the last(almost eight months), I can make it through this. Pray for Nick, Amanda and sweet miss Harper(good gracious- isn't she the CUTEST thing?!). Pray they would feel the Lord's comforting arms around them. Pray for Amanda during these next few months while Nick is away. 

Thank you for what you're doing, Nick. Thank you for taking care of my sister. And on another note- thank you for trusting me with your baby. That means more than you can imagine.

I can't wait to see what God is going to do through your family. 

But most of all, I'm going to miss you guys a whole, whole lot.

Love, Bailey Elizabeth

Unending Love

It's been a while since I've written.

And a lot has happened I haven't posted about.

I'm in the Senior Praise Band for our youth group, we play every Wednesday night. And I love it. SO. Much. Getting to lead others in praise is an incredible feeling and responsibility.

We played this song last night...

It talks about His unfailing love...how His promises are the greatest comfort and how we can always rest in His peace.

It made me realize how much I take for granted the love of Jesus I receive. It made me long to be closer to Him.

It made me think...that through these months of pain, He's brought me joy. He's brought me through. He's given me friendships that I wouldn't have found otherwise. He's loved me continually. Even when honestly, I was too angry to love Him back. He's brought me new mercies every morning. So why shouldn't I praise Him and give Him all I have?

I've listened to it a whole lot today...and these words are the cry of my heart.

You don't even have to watch the video, just listen to the words...and let you heart soak them in as I did.

Enjoy it friends. And have a wonderful day.



~Bailey

My Paige Elizabeth-

Here I sit at the computer after working on my book for a while.

But I can't get this thought off of my mind.

You know that song? The one from the musical for Summer With the Arts...it was called, "I Believe." It went something like this...

I believe, oh I believe in Jesus. I believe He died and he rose again. 

Every time you listened to it- you cried, because all you could think of was sitting there watching all of the kids sing it on Sunday night after SWTA. Watching all those kids cry out how they believed in their Savior, and how much they loved Him. Well, I can tell you, it was great. I cried for you.

I've told you how I'm helping in children's choir this year, right? I'm doing it because of you.

The kids are learning this song. It's called "Bring My Praise." You would love it. I can't help but sit there and just listen to the sweet voices of the kids sing to the Lord in praise.

No one else can bring my praise but me. No one else can bring my offerring. You have put a love song deep inside of me...I love you, I need you....

I now know exactly how you feel about "I Believe." It amazes me to listen to the kids just sing, declaring their need for their Sweet Jesus. I love to watch their faces as they sing their hearts out. It makes me smile.

I think of you every. single. time I hear that song. And when they sing it in church- I'm probably gonna cry, and you know I don't typically cry. So that's a big deal.

I'll cry for you. I'll hug them for you. I'll tell them how proud of them you are. I'll tell them that because the Lord put you in my life and you loved me so much, I love them.

You're great.

I think of you often. I know you wouldn't trade time with Jesus for anything, but selfishly I really, really wish you were here with me.

And I miss you so desperately.

With love and a hug- your Bailey Elizabeth.

May you have the sweetest of birthdays today.

I love you.

I love that picture, it's so us.

And I miss you, I miss times together, laughs together.

I wish you were here, but I know you'll have a spectacular birthday.

Have a happy 21st birthday my dearest Paige.

Love, me.

It's the 24th.

I've thought about this day for a long while.

What I would write...and written many posts, but nothing quite fit.

If it would just feel like every other day of missing her.

I read so many posts/tweets of people grieving...they have so many words to express their sadness.

Me?

Somedays I do...but not today.

Today...I just simply miss her. More than normal.

I miss her laughter, her hugs, her letters, her texts, and our time together...

It's been 6 months since she left. 6 months since I cried out desperately to God, "Don't take her. I can't do this without her." And somehow, it really hasn't gotten a whole lot easier.

It's just hard to believe that she's not on this earth anymore. I lay in bed some nights wondering what it would be like if she were here...

If school would be easier. Not so draining.

If we would have gone to App to see her last semester when the trees were turning colors.

If we would have had fun adventures together listening to Taylor Swift during Christmas break.

If she would love my room all redone and big girlish.

If I wouldn't be so burnt out...about everything.

I wonder what she would have said when Harper was born and she saw her for the first time.

Or when I told her me and my best friend get to go to Uganda together this summer.

I wonder how incredibly different my life would be....

And then I read this verse....

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:8

These past six months....

They were certainly not my way. Not the way my sophomore year would have gone.

My way?

She would still be here. I would still be getting letters. And texts. And hugs. And I could know that I could simply text her whenever I needed to talk.

But things don't go my way.

They go HIS way.

And these past six months...they were his way.

The tears.

The heartache.

The pain.

But then again...

Harper was His way.

Uganda was His way.

Coming closer to Melissa was His way.

Being able to love on sweet 8th grade girls was His way.

The memories I have of her...the ones that make me laugh. The ones that make me cry...those were his plan too.

Even though I know these past 6 months were his plan...July 24th 2012 was His plan...

It makes this no easier. The pain is still the same. The tears still rise at the words, "I miss her."

But somehow...on the days when my pain is deepest...

On the days when I miss her the most,

The Lord whispers, "My dearest child, it's alright. She's here. You'll see her again. And when you see her again...you'll be together with ME, worshipping ME for all of eternity. That's so much better than anything you could ever have received with her on this earth." And He wraps His arms around me...and together...only with Him, do I move on to the next day.

So like any other day of grieving...

He will wrap His arms around me...and together- we'll get through. One day at a time.

I miss you Paige Elizabeth. More than any words could ever describe.

Love, Bailey Elizabeth

Bring it on.

I've heard it said that the four years in high school are the best years in your life.

I really, really, really hope that's not true.

Cause this year...well here's the low-down, good and bad.

We started with finishing my freshman year (and finishing driver's ed) - hallelujah that's over.

And throughout the year we had d*weekend, spring formal, Sonia's 4th birthday, the beach trip, my sweet niece was born...good gracious I'm smitten with her, so many fun things.

But in the midst of all that same summer time- the best of the year...or it was supposed to be at least.

Camp came first...which was pretty great.

Then came...yeah...Summer with the arts. One of the worst weeks in my life. Not until this summer did I ever imagine that would come out of my mouth.

On Tuesday I woke up and it was a normal day...until I found out she didn't wake up. She was gone. And my life changed forever.

I lost my mentor, one of my best friends, my big sister...I lost such a big part in my life, and so did do many others. And each day, I just find I miss her more and more...and it really hasn't gotten too much easier.

This year has been exhausting, and for once, I'm ready for it to be over.

This year has been the hardest year of my entire life, there have been more tears, more pain, more suffering, than ever.

But surprisingly, I've grown closer to my Savior than ever. I have so many questions...but I'm so much closer to Him...I still am angry, confused at what happened this summer...but I love Him so dearly.

So 2013- all I've got to say is...

Bring. It. On.

This Christmas

Christmas.

That word has always made my heart leap for joy. The music. The presents. The excitement! The bows and gifts and paper. The Christmas Eve service. The Christmas program our church has. The packages coming in the mail. The birth of our Savior. The joy, the salvation, the HOPE He brings. Each little thing each year just made my heart leap for happiness and joy.

This year...

it came a bit differently.

Joy? Oh yes. I have a niece! Who has given me so much joy and thankfulness. Her present is precious :)

Grief? Yes. Pain? Yes. Sadness? Yes.

She's everywhere.

"Where one is born, another leaves, branches on the family tree..." She's in the music.

I distinctly remember the picture frame I got her for Christmas last year, it was black...and white...with a picture of us. She's in the presents, the gifts.

I stood on stage this weekend with all the kids, dressed in their black and white, singing with all the passion in their hearts, "Born is the King, it's Christmas!" She once stood beside me when I was in children's choir. She's there too.

I can see her worshiping, arms lifted, in her seat the Sunday before Christmas- rejoicing that 2,000 years ago the Savior was born for all of us. She's at church.

Finding joy this Christmas season...it's hard. That joy that was there last year- it's not the same.
______

I wrote that post about a week ago...I was in a hard spot. I've been thinking about what I wrote- and then it hit me, sitting in church Sunday...her favorite place, it's like she's closer there.

It hit me...she's in the music, in the gifts, in children's choir, she's at church...

I had been saying it over and over again....she's here. Yes, she's far away...very very far, and no I can't text her, can't run to her and hug her...but in a way- she's here with me every day.

No, it doesn't really make sense how she's still here- but she just is. Some days the hurt is unbearable, I look at her face in pictures and I just want to cry...but other days, there's a weird kind of joy...not the "Oh my goodness I'm so happy!" kind of joy...but joy. Somehow in the pain of today as I write this, in the pain of each day- joy.

I think it's because I know in a while, I'll see her again- I'll be with her and we will get to celebrate the Savior's birth together once again- in the best possible way, praising him together.

This verse has been my best friend lately, "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4

My friends...that's heaven. That's where she is. And oh what a glorious Christmas she will have this year.

So for today...I'm comforted by the thought that I will see her again, and we will get to celebrate Christmas together...And I'll choose to love, to serve with joy, to worship His name just as she is now- right at this very moment.