But I'm here.

I miss the red dirt washing over my face as we drove down the road.

I miss playing with hundreds of kids in a big empty field.

I miss giving shoes.

I miss bandaging feet.

I miss church outside.

I miss loving on chocolate babies who don't have mama's and dada's.

I miss 2 Friends and Backpackers.

I miss Joyce and Betty and Eric.

I miss cold showers(okay- not that much).

I miss Quinn and Asa and Silas.

I miss children shouting, "Mzungu!" as we drove down the road.

I miss Dru and Asher.

I miss...

Uganda.

But I'm reminded...

I'm here. In North Carolina, with my family and all my closest friends for a reason.

God has me here to fulfill his will for this part of my life.

I feel very strongly that Uganda will play a part of my life in the future.

But right now- I'm here.

And as hard as that is- I accept it.

Because here?

Even though there's no church outside- There's Rich Fork with Caroline and Jenna and Sarah and Lissa and Megan....

Even though there's no orphanages full of chocolate babies- There's plenty of little girls who need to be told they are special, like Haley and Emma and Madison and Bizzy and Peyton and Riley...

So. I'm here.

And I'm praying God will show me ways to use my gifts right here where I am.

And I believe he will!

~Bailey

The Cost

I'm saying yes to You
And no to my desires
I'll leave myself behind
And follow You

I'll walk the narrow road
'cause it leads me to You
I'll fall but grace 
Will pick me up again

I've counted up the cost
Oh I've counted up the cost
Yes I've counted up the cost
And You are worth it

I do not need safety
As much as I need You
You're dangerous
But Lord You're beautiful

I'll chase You through the pain
I'll carry my cross
'cause real love
Is not afraid to bleed

Jesus 
Take my all
Take my everything

I've counted up the cost
And You're worth everything

-The Cost by Rend Collective Experiment 

I'm back from Uganda. 

It was incredible. 

And I miss it so much already.

And we're back from camp!

We just got back from camp.

And it was INCREDIBLE.

David Platt spoke, Kristian Stanfill lead worship and we had a surprise band from IRELAND.

God moved.

He reminded me that I have a purpose.

That this last year was in His plan, however hard it was- it was his plan. As we sang "Like a Lion," I did the motions for her. And thought of her the whole time.

That His kingdom is worth fighting for.

And that the cost of following him is high- but it's worth it.

We laughed till our sides hurt.

We worshipped our hearts out.

We sang until we had nothing left.

We soaked in his glory and majesty like never before.


And now- I'm tired. I'm empowered. And I've got to get ready to leave Monday for Uganda. What an incredible week we've had.

David Platt was speaking...on missions...His words exactly, "I pray some of you will leave here and go to AFRICA." Out of all the continents, the first he lists is Africa. Emily and I had chills.

I'm SO thankful for this chance to focus only on God with some of my best friends.

And I cannot wait until Monday when we leave for Uganda.

My conclusion for this week? He's bigger. His plan is perfect. And I have clearly been called to GO.

To follow wherever he takes me.

~Bailey

So trust Him.

Well....

I guess I'm a junior now.

My sophomore year is coming to an end.

Since I'm homeschooled and we have to do math through the summer, we don't really have an official last day.

But that's okay!

I guess it's about time I start thinking about college. And the big, bad world beyond.

This year has been...a bit crazy...and college was the last thing I wanted to think about.

"Where are you going to college?" People asked.

"It's been a crazy year. That's not really on my mind." I would answer.

But eventually I have to move on...so it might as well be now.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Most of it has involved Paige...

She would have been at the wedding I went to Saturday. We would be going to lunch this week. She would have been at youth graduation at church, telling me to stop thinking that in two years that will be me. She would have been the one to stay with us while my grandma was in the hospital.

But then I was sitting with my grandma...and she said something that really had me thinking, "You can't focus on the 'what-ifs' or the 'should-haves,' you just have to do the best you can."

I shouldn't be focused on the things I would be doing IF she were here...or the things we SHOULD have been doing. It's hard not to, though. I want to keep thinking about her. I want her to be on the front of my mind. I don't want a day to go by without me thinking, "I miss you."

I sat with Mary Saturday at the wedding. And we both laughed. Really laughed about life, and I knew Paige would be happy. I went to lunch with Megan and Haley on Saturday. We talked about weddings and our future and how crazy it was that in 5 years she could be a mom...and I would be half way through college. I knew Paige would be glad I was having a good time. I stand in worship and proclaim to Jesus, "Be lifted higher than all you've overcome." I knew she would be proud of me for making an effort, with Him by my side, to overcome these challenges in life. We play the 'Great I Am' downstairs with the praise band...and I worship as hard as I can. Because I'm finally able to. I knew she would be proud of me for making steps towards healing.

It's in things like that I think about her.

And in two weeks, when I leave for Uganda with my best friend and my dad...I know, without a shadow of a doubt that she is proud of me. And I think about those things...

And I wish she were here.

But Lissa said, "God's timing is way more accurate. So trust him."

It can be as simple as that...trust him.

Two words that can make a world of difference.

So I trust Him.

In this life. In this grieving. In the joy. In the laughter. In each step I take.

Because I am His. More precious to Him than the span of the sparkling ocean or the vastness of the stars in the sky. He knows the plan He has for my life and it's perfect. One day I will see...not now, but one day...how beautiful the masterpiece He has created for me really is.

So I trust Him.

To my sweet Haley!

Tomorrow is a very special day.

For a very special little girl.

Who holds a very special place in my heart.

I love her just a little bit.

Miss Haley's birthday is tomorrow.

This little girl- she gives amazing hugs.

She loves God.

She loves other people. And she has a HUGE and LOVING heart.

When we were on TV for our trip to Uganda she went into school and said to her teacher, "My best friend was on TV today!!" 

How can you resist that?!

Miss Haley-

You need to stop growing up so fast! 

Sooner than you know it you'll be walking through the doors at highschool.

And you'll make me feel REALLY old. 

Sweet girl, you'll never know how much I love you. And how much you mean to me.

I know you miss Paige. I do too...a whole lot. But we're making through it together! 

I'll always be here for you. No matter what happens.

I love you! Keep Jesus first!

Love your 15 year old best friend- Bailey :)

Would you join me in wishing Haley a very happy 8th birthday?!

He is my hope.

I stand on the back porch of the beach house staring out at the ocean.

He is my hope.

Emily and I sit on the beach, a book in each of our hands. Soaking in the sunlight shining on our skin.

He is my hope.

We ride down the road on our bikes to the shopping center to get ice cream. We laugh.

He is my hope.

We go see Little Women the play at the local youth theater. We laugh all the way home. Memories are made. Ones that will never, ever be forgotten.

He is my hope. 

I walk down the beach, my toes barely touching the water. The clouds are pink- cotton candy pink. I think of Lissa's mom. I think of Paige. She would have loved it.

He is my hope.

I hold Harper in my arms. Rocking her to sleep as she cries softly. Paige will never get to meet her. I soak up these moments with her. Because even if I'm not thinking about it now... They're moving. Eventually. And she won't be little forever...they won't be here, close to our home, forever.

He is my hope.

We go into one of the shops. I see the doll we sent her. It was a "Preppy Paige" doll. Completely opposite of who she was is. We sent it because it was funny.

He is my hope.

Sadness fills my heart. I feel cheated. I can't send her pictures of all the beautiful things I'm seeing. I used to share all this with her. Now, well, now I can't.

He is my hope.

I stand beside Lissa in church. Her heart is hurting more than I can imagine today. I hold her sweet girl close to me as we pray.

He is my hope.

I fill out my Summer With the Arts form. Tears come to my eyes. I just think about that week. It makes me sick. And I hurt all over again.

He is my hope.

My birthday without her- again. My 16th of all things. Camp without her. Uganda without her. Summer With the Arts...without her.

He. Is. My. Hope.

Yes. That He is. Always.

HE. IS. MY. HOPE.

This is what He's doing.

Leadership.

We talked about this at youth group last night. And I've been thinking about it since.

How can I be a better leader?

-being in His Word
-being a servant
-being an Example

But really? How can I live this out every day?

I need to watch my mouth. I need to show them what a godly young woman looks like, even though I'm still learning myself. I need to be in His word...so they will see what the results are. I need to pray continuously for them in their walks with Him.

-----

Yesterday was the 24th.

9 months since she...I just can't force the words out.

9 months and 1 day since I've heard her voice...or gotten a text...

Yesterday was the first time I REALLY needed her advice.

It was one of the many, many days I've wanted a text...or a hug...or a call.

But it was the first time I truly needed advice.

I need my mentor back.

I need my sister back.

I need my friend back...well she was more than a friend.

-----

Classical ended Tuesday. We're done...

And I never thought I'd see that day.

It's been a hard, hard year.

But like when mom and I talked, God has shown me that I am capable of doing so much more than I think.

He's taking me to Uganda.

He's given me a best friend who is so supportive it blows me out of the water.

He's brought me Lissa and Megan.

He's given me sweet Harper Elizabeth and her oh-so-beautiful self!

He's given me laughter and joy on days when I thought I was going to have pain in abundance...like yesterday. I laughed all day long, literally.

He's spoken to me in the secret. In the times when I'm by myself with him, right before bed, he's given me a word...one that's just for me.

He's been faithful.

He's shown me that prayer really does work.

He's given me times of rest.

He's given me strength.

He's given me wisdom.

Most of all...He's loved me. And because he loved me...he's gotten me through this year.

In the midst of heartache...

In the midst of hate and anger...

In the middle of brokenness and being lost...

He's held me and gotten me through.

-----

So these? These are my thoughts from yesterday and today.

My best friends have blessed me so much.

Yesterday(like I already said) we literally laughed all day, then I saw some of my other best friends(who happen to be 35 and 19...haha) and we laughed and laughed. And it was a great day.

Yesterday I expected grieving...He gave me joy- in abundance!

And how grateful I am of that.

This post might have seemed really random.

But everything I've said...or typed...are things God is doing. Things He is telling me.

And if God is doing it...it's worth writing about.

Even if it's sad or depressing.

God is doing it, it's in His plan, and He's calling you to this life.

So I write to show you that even in the shadows and hard places...

He brings you joy and laughter.

He gives you friends who will support you and give you advice along the way.

He is faithful. Always.

And that's what I'm learning.

-Bailey