He is my hope.

I stand on the back porch of the beach house staring out at the ocean.

He is my hope.

Emily and I sit on the beach, a book in each of our hands. Soaking in the sunlight shining on our skin.

He is my hope.

We ride down the road on our bikes to the shopping center to get ice cream. We laugh.

He is my hope.

We go see Little Women the play at the local youth theater. We laugh all the way home. Memories are made. Ones that will never, ever be forgotten.

He is my hope. 

I walk down the beach, my toes barely touching the water. The clouds are pink- cotton candy pink. I think of Lissa's mom. I think of Paige. She would have loved it.

He is my hope.

I hold Harper in my arms. Rocking her to sleep as she cries softly. Paige will never get to meet her. I soak up these moments with her. Because even if I'm not thinking about it now... They're moving. Eventually. And she won't be little forever...they won't be here, close to our home, forever.

He is my hope.

We go into one of the shops. I see the doll we sent her. It was a "Preppy Paige" doll. Completely opposite of who she was is. We sent it because it was funny.

He is my hope.

Sadness fills my heart. I feel cheated. I can't send her pictures of all the beautiful things I'm seeing. I used to share all this with her. Now, well, now I can't.

He is my hope.

I stand beside Lissa in church. Her heart is hurting more than I can imagine today. I hold her sweet girl close to me as we pray.

He is my hope.

I fill out my Summer With the Arts form. Tears come to my eyes. I just think about that week. It makes me sick. And I hurt all over again.

He is my hope.

My birthday without her- again. My 16th of all things. Camp without her. Uganda without her. Summer With the Arts...without her.

He. Is. My. Hope.

Yes. That He is. Always.

HE. IS. MY. HOPE.

It's just where I am.

I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Classical is over in two weeks. And oh what tears of joy and sighs of relief will be let out. I literally can't wait. Even though we still have a bit of school after classical is over, it's not the same. It's a break. And then comes summer...and I'm beyond excited.

Yesterday...yesterday was a hard day. I woke up with a migraine and knew- yep, this is going to be a hard day. I just had a gut instinct. And I was right!! It was a long, hard and in part rewarding day.

But you wanna know the best part? (Besides seeing some of my favorite people at church.)

I found something.

I was looking through my phone for whatever reason and I came across something.

When I realized what it was I almost burst into tears. No lie.

It made me leap for joy and excitement, but it also made me really, really sad.

Here's what I found.

"Bailey B. you are a wonderful young lady and you make me smile a whole lot. I'm so glad the Lord put you in my life. I love you :]"

You know who wrote that?

Paige Elizabeth.

I remember her writing it and me reading it. But finding it yesterday was such a treasure, I can't even tell you how happy it made me. It made me miss little notes like that.

But it was just like God knew that I needed to hear from her, to know that she loves me and that she is proud of me (I refuse to use past tense.). And He knew that I needed to be reminded that one day- I'll see her again. (Geez- I'm about to cry, again.) As one of my friends said, "You know, He's kinda good at that." He's good at knowing what we need.

I read it over, and over, and over again, dwelling on those words, "Love you..." because, to be honest, out of all the things she said to me- that's what I've wanted to hear all this time.

As I pour my heart out onto this computer screen...it's more than just words to me. It's what God is doing, how He is moving in my life. And how every day, He's bringing me through with such constant reminders that He's here with me.

So... that's what's going on.

I'm tired.

I miss her.

I need God.

But He's continually showing me that He's here. And He's always giving me little reminders of her that never fail to either make me cry or make me really happy.

And Paige- I'm really, super duper glad the Lord put you in my life, too. Thanks for loving Jesus. And for leaving me that note. It made my day. I can't wait to see you friend.
With my love and a hug- Bailey