What's next?

Writing.

Write a book. Edit. Edit some more. Don't like it. Re-write. Edit again. Re-write again. Edit some more. Let people read it. Say you're done. Publish. The end! Famous author.

YEAH, RIGHT.

Let me tell you, it's NOT that easy.

Two years later, and I'm finally finished. It took three, yes three, re-writes, but I'm finally finished.

I'm very proud of my 41,306 words, 100-something pages.

This story...it's not just fiction. It's reflections on my life.

Going to go get Sonia. Traveling to Uganda. Paige dying.

It's all a story. In one way or another, it's how I saw those events. It's how they changed me, just through a new pair of eyes, a few different circumstances.

This story is one of grace. It's one of His beauty. And in the end, it's a story saying that His sovereign hand is in control of every situation in our lives.

For both years, I kept thinking, "I'll self publish and somehow I'll get famous...somehow."

I kept writing and I kept thinking, "I just want a copy in my hands! I don't care how..."

Now I'm finished.

And I don't quite know what to do.

I'm praying...continually asking Him, "Father, what do I do? Give me an answer. Show me what YOU want me to do." 

In all reality- I have no clue what I'm doing!

This is my first manuscript.

My first time walking through this journey...

I've written a cover letter to send off to some literary agents.

I've figured out how to raise the money to self-publish.

But what does He want me to do?

What will bring Him the most glory? What is His will in my writing?

I keep asking myself, "What's next? What do I do next?"

My mom asks, "What do you want to do next? What's your end goal?"

My thoughts? I have no idea. Right now, I don't know what I want. 

All I know right now is that I want a copy of MY book in MY hands.

I know that I want my writing to bring HIM glory.

But in the same breath I ask, what if I don't become a famous author? What if my writing is pointless?

And I just laugh and remember...it doesn't matter. If I don't become a famous author- who cares? Me, maybe. Because in the end...if my writing helps two or three people realize He is sovereign and perfect, then that's perfect.

In the end, if my writing brings Him glory...

Then I have accomplished the greatest goal.

And my writing won't be pointless- because His glory is the ultimate thing to strive for.

Closeness to Him is all I should strive for.

And whatever happens...

It's perfect. And it's in His will.

No matter what happens, no matter how hard it is to accept, no matter how frustrating life can be...

He is sovereign.

There's a very obvious reminder of this every time I open my book on the computer. The title comes up first...and I'm reminded it's all for Him, to Him and through Him.

"For I Know the Plans..." 

This weekend has been great.

Caroline, Jenna and I went to Trent and Sydney's house for a girls night. We watched Pride and Prejudice. He's the best adopted big brother.

I've been writing a lot.

The sequel is amazing. I don't know what in the world I'm going to do with the first one...I guess that would be important.

I wrote for almost four hours Tuesday. It was magical.

School is...crazy.

Overwhelming.

I just wanted this year to be different. Easier.

Oh well.

But after it all...

God is good.

John 16:33
        “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

"All our failure and all our fear,
God our love, He has overcome
All our heartache, and all our pain,
God our healer, He has overcome.

All our burdens, and all our shame,
God our freedom, He has overcome,
All our troubles, and all our tears,
God our hope, He has overcome.

All our failures, and all our fear,
God our love, He has overcome,
God our justice, God our grace,
God our freedom, He has overcome.

God our refuge, God our strength,
God is with us, He has overcome."
~Take Heart, Hillsong

7/24/13

And, oh, I'm running to your arms.
I'm running to your arms.
The riches of your love will always be enough.
Nothing compares to your embrace.
Light of the world forever reign.

My heart will sing no other name, Jesus, Jesus.

~~~

"I will not cause pain
    without allowing something new to be born," says the Lord.
-Isaiah 66:9

~~~

This day is hard.

I won't pretend.

My heart is hurting.

Remembering the thoughts flying through my mind exactly one year ago.

"God don't take her. I can't do this without her."

~~~

Hebrews 11:32-35

"And what more shall I say? For time would fail me to tell of Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, of David and Samuel and the prophets— who through faith conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, were made strong out of weakness, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight. Women received back their dead by resurrection. Some were tortured, refusing to accept release, so that they might rise again to a better life."

~~~

I rest today on the same faith in Hebrews 11.

The one that makes my weaknesses STRONG.

I can do ANYTHING through this faith.

I can find HOPE and JOY on a day of an anniversary of death.

~~~

Today-

she wouldn't want me being sad.

She wouldn't want me to spend my day moping around.

She would want me to LIVE.

John 10:10

"I came that they may have life and have it abundantly."- JESUS.

He wants me to have life. To live. And to live abundantly.

She would want me to celebrate my 16th birthday.

So.

Today I'm going to LIVE.

I'm going to LAUGH with my best friend this afternoon.

I'm going to do just as she would have done.

LIVE ABUNDANTLY.

I've been wanting to write.

This Wednesday is the 24th. Of July.

One year from when she left us.

I didn't know what to write about.

Until yesterday night.

At d*groups when my youth pastor was speaking...

He said something that caught my attention.

"We know as a follower of Christ life won't be easy. We know the tribulations and trials are coming. But are we preparing ourselves for that? Are we getting to a place with our relationship with Christ that when trials come the first thing we think to do is go before the Lord in prayer?"

I couldn't help but think back to this time last year.

I had just gotten back from camp.

Paige was the FIRST person to greet me when I got off the bus. Even before my parents.

We were getting ready for SWTA together.

But...

What if I had been hearing the exact same thing my youth pastor said last night?

Would that have made a difference in my reaction to the next couple of days...

I was probably just thinking, "I don't need to prepare. Because that will never happen to me."

And then it did.

Tragedy hit.

And I questioned God endlessly. I ran to people- not to Him.

Would my life then have been different?

If I would have been preparing for trials...would my reaction have been running to Him?

It just makes me think.

And gives me motivation to prepare for anything else that could come my way.

Because this year has certainly been full of trials.

Constantly something else.

So I'm going to LISTEN this time.

And prepare.


And hold on to all the sweet memories I have of us from those last few days.


What a great comfort it is to know that He has already overcome.

But I'm here.

I miss the red dirt washing over my face as we drove down the road.

I miss playing with hundreds of kids in a big empty field.

I miss giving shoes.

I miss bandaging feet.

I miss church outside.

I miss loving on chocolate babies who don't have mama's and dada's.

I miss 2 Friends and Backpackers.

I miss Joyce and Betty and Eric.

I miss cold showers(okay- not that much).

I miss Quinn and Asa and Silas.

I miss children shouting, "Mzungu!" as we drove down the road.

I miss Dru and Asher.

I miss...

Uganda.

But I'm reminded...

I'm here. In North Carolina, with my family and all my closest friends for a reason.

God has me here to fulfill his will for this part of my life.

I feel very strongly that Uganda will play a part of my life in the future.

But right now- I'm here.

And as hard as that is- I accept it.

Because here?

Even though there's no church outside- There's Rich Fork with Caroline and Jenna and Sarah and Lissa and Megan....

Even though there's no orphanages full of chocolate babies- There's plenty of little girls who need to be told they are special, like Haley and Emma and Madison and Bizzy and Peyton and Riley...

So. I'm here.

And I'm praying God will show me ways to use my gifts right here where I am.

And I believe he will!

~Bailey

The Cost

I'm saying yes to You
And no to my desires
I'll leave myself behind
And follow You

I'll walk the narrow road
'cause it leads me to You
I'll fall but grace 
Will pick me up again

I've counted up the cost
Oh I've counted up the cost
Yes I've counted up the cost
And You are worth it

I do not need safety
As much as I need You
You're dangerous
But Lord You're beautiful

I'll chase You through the pain
I'll carry my cross
'cause real love
Is not afraid to bleed

Jesus 
Take my all
Take my everything

I've counted up the cost
And You're worth everything

-The Cost by Rend Collective Experiment 

I'm back from Uganda. 

It was incredible. 

And I miss it so much already.

And we're back from camp!

We just got back from camp.

And it was INCREDIBLE.

David Platt spoke, Kristian Stanfill lead worship and we had a surprise band from IRELAND.

God moved.

He reminded me that I have a purpose.

That this last year was in His plan, however hard it was- it was his plan. As we sang "Like a Lion," I did the motions for her. And thought of her the whole time.

That His kingdom is worth fighting for.

And that the cost of following him is high- but it's worth it.

We laughed till our sides hurt.

We worshipped our hearts out.

We sang until we had nothing left.

We soaked in his glory and majesty like never before.


And now- I'm tired. I'm empowered. And I've got to get ready to leave Monday for Uganda. What an incredible week we've had.

David Platt was speaking...on missions...His words exactly, "I pray some of you will leave here and go to AFRICA." Out of all the continents, the first he lists is Africa. Emily and I had chills.

I'm SO thankful for this chance to focus only on God with some of my best friends.

And I cannot wait until Monday when we leave for Uganda.

My conclusion for this week? He's bigger. His plan is perfect. And I have clearly been called to GO.

To follow wherever he takes me.

~Bailey