Somehow....

Sunday night we stood behind the stage and held hands as we prayed.

We then walked onto the stage, took our places and began to sing.

The heaviness of missing her lifted, just for then, as I began to praise my creator.

I sat at the piano, playing and singing passionately to the One who is, "mighty to save..." to the One that can, "move the mountains."

I was able to worship my Creator for who He is, without thoughts crawling back into my mind.

I was able to think, "She has the best seat in the house...I bet she is so proud...I can hear her saying, 'God, God, come look at these kids! Look what they are doing for you! See her, yeah, that's my Bailey,'" without feeling sad.

Somehow...it seems when I open my heart for worship...I feel free. And happy. And I can miss her without being sad.

At the end of our worship night we walked off stage and as I was hugged and praised for what we had done...I thought..."This wasn't for me. I didn't have fun because people were here to see me play piano or my brothers and my friend play guitar...I had fun because my Creator loves me enough to let me worship Him and lead others in worship to Him!"

Because somehow when I'm in God's presence, worshiping Him, I can smile. I can be happy. I can feel comforted. I can feel her.

And I smiled that night. And I laughed, as I have done many times these past few months, but this time...my heart was just...it was just different.

Because somehow in God's presence...I can feel Him moving easier. I can feel Him surrounding me. I can feel Him loving me...and saying, "Paige saw you tonight. She loved it. I loved it so much more. Because you are mine, and you worshiped me tonight with no hesitation. You didn't care what others thought. You were worshiping me with your whole heart. And I love you dearest child."

When I'm worshiping- God feels closer. And because God feels closer- Paige does too.

And when Paige feels closer, somehow...I can feel God's love so much more.

I can really smile. I can really laugh. I can really have fun- when I feel His love.

And I'm doing it. More and more each day. Not every day. But it's happening. Happiness- it's there. Joyfulness- it's there. They may be hard to find...but somehow, even when you can't see it, they are there.

God's love- it's there, each and every day.

So smile. So be happy. So love others.

Because somehow- even through our sins and our horrible attitudes, God loves us each day. And he wants us to smile and be happy and to love others.

AND- Paige would be the one encouraging me, even through this hard time, to find joy. To find happiness. To continue to choose to feel God's love. Because that's who she was.

So I'm going to be like her.

I'm going to choose to miss her...but while I search for joy. And for happiness. And continue to choose God's love.

And if bad days happen...that's okay. And I've accepted them. They're part of the process. But after that...I'm going to continue to search for joy, happiness and God's love.

What will you choose this day?

~Bailey

Each day...

We stand in church.

I hear the beat...I know the song.

And I sing the words, my heart heavy, but somehow I'm able to praise Him.

"Great I am, Great I am..."

It was her song.

And I don't cry.

Because I can't.

And people don't understand why I wasn't crying.

I've done so much of it already. And sometimes...you just can't. Your heart is hard, you are angry at nothing in particular - just angry she's gone, angry she's not here to sing it with you.

The song ends...I take a deep breath...I have to keep going.

I walk up to my adult friend Melissa, holding her seven year old little girl, who is crying into her shoulder.

"She misses Paige." Melissa tells me. I hold my hands out for Haley to come into.

I stand holding her tightly in my arms in the worship center as people pass around us and she cries onto my shoulder, tears dripping onto my shirt. I miss her too, sweet girl, I miss her too, I think.

Her dad takes her to Sunday school.

I go to Sunday school. I try to look like I'm paying attention...but I'm so tired, I have no idea what my teacher is talking about.

I show Melissa a book of memories I made of Paige and I over the 6ish years I knew her. I still don't cry. I just don't have tears.

The rest of the day, I miss her. I do other things...but I miss her.

And every day, I wake up and my mom asks me, "You okay this morning?"

"Not really." Tears well in my eyes as she kisses me on the forehead. But I still don't cry.

I go through the day...missing her.

And missing her some more. Praying nothing reminds me too much of her. Because it just makes it worse.

I hate checking the mail...it reminds me of the giddy feeling I would get when one of her letters would come.

So I go through each day...thanking God he's giving me such strength. And loving Him...and relying on Him more and more. And thanking Him for the time I had with her and the relationship we shared.

And tomorrow night, as I lead worship with some friends, I will be praising God...picturing her in the audience singing along with her whole heart...no shoes on...her bible under her chair...and her heart completely sold out for her savior.

~Bailey

"It's okay, my child, my mercies are new."

I've come to grips with my life.

What's going on.

And I've realized...

Yes, she's gone.

No, my life will never be the same.

And yes, I will always miss her...forever and ever.

Did you hear that FOREVER?

I have a long time to remember and miss her.

I don't have to just miss her today, or tomorrow.

I can miss her forever- she deserves it!

But...even though today wasn't great...

Monday, Tuesday and most of Wednesday were good!

And before...it seemed wrong to have good days.

But I've realized...it's okay. That's all she would want...is for us to have good days.

There are days where it will hit- where the pain will be immense. And it's OKAY to grieve. It's okay to be sad. To remember her.

But it's also okay to have good days...to remember the GOOD times with her. The LAUGHS. The FUN times...that's all she was...FUN...and LAUGHTER!

So even though today wasn't great...tomorrow may be good- it may not be. But each day is new. Because HIS mercies are new each morning.

And this is what my heart says today.

What God is calling out to me..."It's okay my child, I am here, my mercies are new every morning."(Lamentations 3:23)

HIS mercies are new. Tomorrow is a new day. And sleepovers are SO MUCH FUN- so how can tomorrow not be fun?

I can miss her...and have fun...sometimes bad days are necessary- to get the feelings out, just to rant and be angry that she's not here...but happy days are good too, and we can remember her in those happy days.

Because she was happy. She was fun. She was full of laughter...even if it was a smoker sounding laugh :) But it was HER laugh :) And I miss HER laugh.

But I'm SO thankful that His mercies are new tomorrow. And that I can grieve or be happy or have fun or be sad. But whatever I feel tomorrow...He's there. And His mercies are new.

~Bailey

This time...these days...

This time...it's hard.

These days...are different.

I don't get text messages from her encouraging me.

No letters from her that make me giddy.

Our relationship, it was different. Yeah, she was my mentor. She was my friend. But she was so much more than that. Even though she was five years older than me- she was one of my best friends. I have my best friend who is my age- Emily Grace...but then I had Paige- my older best friend. And this may sound silly- but she was like a big sister to me.

She was the most perfect big sister any one could ever ask for. She was always there. Always texted me back. Always sent me letters back. Always spent time with me.

And so, most people just saw us as friends. And now, in these days, they see me missing a friend.

They never saw us as sisters; as best friends just because I was so much younger.

But I am missing my sister.

I am missing our relationship.

I am missing my best friend.

There are only very few people who understand.

Emily Grace- my best friend, Melissa, Diane, Mary, Cathy, Jessica, Grace...they all get it.

But it still hurts.

I still miss her. Even though they comfort me.

And these days....I miss my sister, my friend, my mentor...my best friend.

And that's all.

~Bailey

1 month....

"Paige went to sleep last night, and she never woke back up. She went to heaven this morning." I sobbed for hours.

It's been a month.

The longest month of my life.

Yet it seems like yesterday when she left us.

I'm still hurting just the same.

I'm still crying.

I'm still asking- "Why?"

I'm still taking life day by day, and even though it's hard, I'm putting one foot in front of the other.

And it's hard to keep going when it seems like so many people around you, except for those she was closest to, are just moving on with their lives and I'm over here crying all the time because my heart hurts so badly.

I'm choosing to cling to God's word and His promises, one of the hardest things right now.

I still miss her just as much, if not more.

And I still want the same thing as every day that has passed.

Paige.

"There was a time when life was simple,
life was beautiful,
oh it was a brighter day, oh it was a brighter day.
Now every step is met with struggle, and I'm not strong enough.
I need to know it's not in vain, I need to know it's worth this pain.
So tell me when the winds will change,
Oh, oh, oh, come rush in like a hurricane,
come lead me through the flood and flame,
don't let me walk away...Till we see brighter days...
Oh this is not the end of me. No pain is not the enemy.
I'm just learning how to change, oh, oh, oh
won't you keep me on my knees until you have a hold of me and we see brighter days...
We see brighter days.
'Till we see brighter days."
-Brighter Days, Eddie Kirkland

~Bailey

Paige...

I miss you Paige. Your voice. Your laughter. You.

Love, Bailey.

She's all I want.

I want to write, to tell you all how I am.

But I really don't have any words to describe my feelings right now.

I'm tired of questions.
I'm hurting.
I'm overwhelmed.
I'm tired of how busy we've been this week- but hey it's reality.

School starts Tuesday, and I really don't know how in the world I'm going to do it. I don't. My mind explodes every time I think of it.

I miss her.
I want to just text her and talk for hours.
I want to get giddy when a letter from her is in the mailbox.
I want this to show up when my phone vibrates, "Paige :):)"
But it's not.
My heart hurts.
I want to sit beside her at Perfect Blend on our special day together.
I want her to get really excited about my book and how far I've come with it.
I want to walk in downtown Lexington as she takes pictures of me and anything that looks cute.
I want her to be here, to be there for me.

I just want Paige. That's all I want.

~Bailey