This time...these days...

This time...it's hard.

These days...are different.

I don't get text messages from her encouraging me.

No letters from her that make me giddy.

Our relationship, it was different. Yeah, she was my mentor. She was my friend. But she was so much more than that. Even though she was five years older than me- she was one of my best friends. I have my best friend who is my age- Emily Grace...but then I had Paige- my older best friend. And this may sound silly- but she was like a big sister to me.

She was the most perfect big sister any one could ever ask for. She was always there. Always texted me back. Always sent me letters back. Always spent time with me.

And so, most people just saw us as friends. And now, in these days, they see me missing a friend.

They never saw us as sisters; as best friends just because I was so much younger.

But I am missing my sister.

I am missing our relationship.

I am missing my best friend.

There are only very few people who understand.

Emily Grace- my best friend, Melissa, Diane, Mary, Cathy, Jessica, Grace...they all get it.

But it still hurts.

I still miss her. Even though they comfort me.

And these days....I miss my sister, my friend, my mentor...my best friend.

And that's all.

~Bailey

1 month....

"Paige went to sleep last night, and she never woke back up. She went to heaven this morning." I sobbed for hours.

It's been a month.

The longest month of my life.

Yet it seems like yesterday when she left us.

I'm still hurting just the same.

I'm still crying.

I'm still asking- "Why?"

I'm still taking life day by day, and even though it's hard, I'm putting one foot in front of the other.

And it's hard to keep going when it seems like so many people around you, except for those she was closest to, are just moving on with their lives and I'm over here crying all the time because my heart hurts so badly.

I'm choosing to cling to God's word and His promises, one of the hardest things right now.

I still miss her just as much, if not more.

And I still want the same thing as every day that has passed.

Paige.

"There was a time when life was simple,
life was beautiful,
oh it was a brighter day, oh it was a brighter day.
Now every step is met with struggle, and I'm not strong enough.
I need to know it's not in vain, I need to know it's worth this pain.
So tell me when the winds will change,
Oh, oh, oh, come rush in like a hurricane,
come lead me through the flood and flame,
don't let me walk away...Till we see brighter days...
Oh this is not the end of me. No pain is not the enemy.
I'm just learning how to change, oh, oh, oh
won't you keep me on my knees until you have a hold of me and we see brighter days...
We see brighter days.
'Till we see brighter days."
-Brighter Days, Eddie Kirkland

~Bailey

Paige...

I miss you Paige. Your voice. Your laughter. You.

Love, Bailey.

She's all I want.

I want to write, to tell you all how I am.

But I really don't have any words to describe my feelings right now.

I'm tired of questions.
I'm hurting.
I'm overwhelmed.
I'm tired of how busy we've been this week- but hey it's reality.

School starts Tuesday, and I really don't know how in the world I'm going to do it. I don't. My mind explodes every time I think of it.

I miss her.
I want to just text her and talk for hours.
I want to get giddy when a letter from her is in the mailbox.
I want this to show up when my phone vibrates, "Paige :):)"
But it's not.
My heart hurts.
I want to sit beside her at Perfect Blend on our special day together.
I want her to get really excited about my book and how far I've come with it.
I want to walk in downtown Lexington as she takes pictures of me and anything that looks cute.
I want her to be here, to be there for me.

I just want Paige. That's all I want.

~Bailey

I miss her.

I think I'm ready to write again.

I want to be happy, I want to wake up and be happy and not be continually grieving.

But at the same time I don't- because I'm scared I will forget her. Forget the sweet memories we had. Forget how much love she showed me. Forget how much I love her.

Every morning I wake up- she's the first thing that comes to my mind.

"Paige is gone." First thought, every morning, without fail.

She was my mentor. My friend. My sister. She was so much to me.

Yesterday, I thought- "Hey! I want to talk to Paige!" Got out my phone, flipped it open and grief filled my heart yet again knowing I will never have another texting conversation with her about nothing in particular, just talking about life. I will never get another letter from her. Ever.

And I know how happy she is, and how she would want me to be happy. But I just can't. It just hurts too much.

My biggest fear is not about my own life, about the future or what is to come. It is forgetting her. Forgetting everything that she meant to me. I cling tight to the memories... the pictures... and the letters we shared.

I'm fearful.
I'm angry at nothing in particular.
I'm broken.
I'm hurting.
I'm tired of questions.
I'm ready to wake up from this horrible dream.

But it's reality. Horrible reality that is my life.

I don't want to move on. I want to miss her forever.

I miss her so much. So so so much.

~Bailey

Oh and sorry my blog is so depressing right now.

Paige Elizabeth.

We finished strong.

As many of you know, my dearest Paige Elizabeth went to be with Jesus on Tuesday morning, July 24th 2012.



No, we don't know why. Yes, we are all confused. And, yes we are all asking questions.



She planned Summer With the Arts. She worked all summer towards it. And she saw one day. But everyone there agreed she would want us to continue, to continue what she had worked towards all summer.



And we did it. We finished strong. And as I watched the kids practice today I couldn't help but think how proud she is today of everyone at SWTA this week. And I told someone today, on Sunday night I will proud for her.



Yesterday was my birthday. It was one of the hardest days ever. We didn't get to have my special birthday time together...it was a very bittersweet day. And words can't express how much I miss her. Her hugs...she gave the best. Her smile. Her always encouraging words. Her love for Christ. Her love for life. Her love for children.



She changed so many lives. She changed mine.



Without fail, I have cried every day this week. And tears come to my eyes as I type this.

I miss her.

It hurts. It's been a hard week. 


But we made it. 


And I know we made her proud.

Paige- we miss you. I miss you. Thank you for everything you have ever done for me or taught me here. I love you. I'm really glad you learned to regret that haircut you got on your 18th birthday. I'm really glad you didn't make any dumb choices in your two years of college...and incase you are wondering I still don't think the whole night star idea was a very bright one. I'm really glad you chose to invest so deeply in me...to make sure I made the right choices, that I was hanging out with the right people, and that you took time to just talk to me, even if all it consisted of was me ranting to you. I wouldn't be who I am today with out you. I will never, ever forget you dear friend. And I don't know how in the world I'm going to make it without you. But I hope that as my life here goes on that I will make you proud...and grow up into the woman you have taught me to be.

I love you more than anything.
~Bailey Elizabeth

SWTA...Camp...and life!

CRAZINESS. INSANITY. EXHAUSTION.

That's my life right now.

I just got back from church camp Friday. It was an ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE week. I miss my small group and my kids at site sooooo much! But I am very glad to be back in my bed and eating non processed non cafeteria food. God moved in so many ways that week, he is such a great God. I learned and was reminded of so much and I'm so thankful for that week and everything he did for me and my youth group.

Summer With the Arts started today! Yippee! I  am the group leader for the 2nd and 3rd graders this week, (though tiring) they are so cute and I already love them so much! It was a really great day and I can't wait to see what the Lord does this week!

 
LUNCH TIME- SWTA 2012


Opening song time(I guess you could call it that haha)!


My brother and his biggest fan Allie :)

Anyway- just a glimpse of the day! Have a great week! But it probably won't be as great as mine :):)

~Bailey