My Paige Elizabeth-

Here I sit at the computer after working on my book for a while.

But I can't get this thought off of my mind.

You know that song? The one from the musical for Summer With the Arts...it was called, "I Believe." It went something like this...

I believe, oh I believe in Jesus. I believe He died and he rose again. 

Every time you listened to it- you cried, because all you could think of was sitting there watching all of the kids sing it on Sunday night after SWTA. Watching all those kids cry out how they believed in their Savior, and how much they loved Him. Well, I can tell you, it was great. I cried for you.

I've told you how I'm helping in children's choir this year, right? I'm doing it because of you.

The kids are learning this song. It's called "Bring My Praise." You would love it. I can't help but sit there and just listen to the sweet voices of the kids sing to the Lord in praise.

No one else can bring my praise but me. No one else can bring my offerring. You have put a love song deep inside of me...I love you, I need you....

I now know exactly how you feel about "I Believe." It amazes me to listen to the kids just sing, declaring their need for their Sweet Jesus. I love to watch their faces as they sing their hearts out. It makes me smile.

I think of you every. single. time I hear that song. And when they sing it in church- I'm probably gonna cry, and you know I don't typically cry. So that's a big deal.

I'll cry for you. I'll hug them for you. I'll tell them how proud of them you are. I'll tell them that because the Lord put you in my life and you loved me so much, I love them.

You're great.

I think of you often. I know you wouldn't trade time with Jesus for anything, but selfishly I really, really wish you were here with me.

And I miss you so desperately.

With love and a hug- your Bailey Elizabeth.

May you have the sweetest of birthdays today.

I love you.

I love that picture, it's so us.

And I miss you, I miss times together, laughs together.

I wish you were here, but I know you'll have a spectacular birthday.

Have a happy 21st birthday my dearest Paige.

Love, me.

It's the 24th.

I've thought about this day for a long while.

What I would write...and written many posts, but nothing quite fit.

If it would just feel like every other day of missing her.

I read so many posts/tweets of people grieving...they have so many words to express their sadness.

Me?

Somedays I do...but not today.

Today...I just simply miss her. More than normal.

I miss her laughter, her hugs, her letters, her texts, and our time together...

It's been 6 months since she left. 6 months since I cried out desperately to God, "Don't take her. I can't do this without her." And somehow, it really hasn't gotten a whole lot easier.

It's just hard to believe that she's not on this earth anymore. I lay in bed some nights wondering what it would be like if she were here...

If school would be easier. Not so draining.

If we would have gone to App to see her last semester when the trees were turning colors.

If we would have had fun adventures together listening to Taylor Swift during Christmas break.

If she would love my room all redone and big girlish.

If I wouldn't be so burnt out...about everything.

I wonder what she would have said when Harper was born and she saw her for the first time.

Or when I told her me and my best friend get to go to Uganda together this summer.

I wonder how incredibly different my life would be....

And then I read this verse....

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:8

These past six months....

They were certainly not my way. Not the way my sophomore year would have gone.

My way?

She would still be here. I would still be getting letters. And texts. And hugs. And I could know that I could simply text her whenever I needed to talk.

But things don't go my way.

They go HIS way.

And these past six months...they were his way.

The tears.

The heartache.

The pain.

But then again...

Harper was His way.

Uganda was His way.

Coming closer to Melissa was His way.

Being able to love on sweet 8th grade girls was His way.

The memories I have of her...the ones that make me laugh. The ones that make me cry...those were his plan too.

Even though I know these past 6 months were his plan...July 24th 2012 was His plan...

It makes this no easier. The pain is still the same. The tears still rise at the words, "I miss her."

But somehow...on the days when my pain is deepest...

On the days when I miss her the most,

The Lord whispers, "My dearest child, it's alright. She's here. You'll see her again. And when you see her again...you'll be together with ME, worshipping ME for all of eternity. That's so much better than anything you could ever have received with her on this earth." And He wraps His arms around me...and together...only with Him, do I move on to the next day.

So like any other day of grieving...

He will wrap His arms around me...and together- we'll get through. One day at a time.

I miss you Paige Elizabeth. More than any words could ever describe.

Love, Bailey Elizabeth

Bring it on.

I've heard it said that the four years in high school are the best years in your life.

I really, really, really hope that's not true.

Cause this year...well here's the low-down, good and bad.

We started with finishing my freshman year (and finishing driver's ed) - hallelujah that's over.

And throughout the year we had d*weekend, spring formal, Sonia's 4th birthday, the beach trip, my sweet niece was born...good gracious I'm smitten with her, so many fun things.

But in the midst of all that same summer time- the best of the year...or it was supposed to be at least.

Camp came first...which was pretty great.

Then came...yeah...Summer with the arts. One of the worst weeks in my life. Not until this summer did I ever imagine that would come out of my mouth.

On Tuesday I woke up and it was a normal day...until I found out she didn't wake up. She was gone. And my life changed forever.

I lost my mentor, one of my best friends, my big sister...I lost such a big part in my life, and so did do many others. And each day, I just find I miss her more and more...and it really hasn't gotten too much easier.

This year has been exhausting, and for once, I'm ready for it to be over.

This year has been the hardest year of my entire life, there have been more tears, more pain, more suffering, than ever.

But surprisingly, I've grown closer to my Savior than ever. I have so many questions...but I'm so much closer to Him...I still am angry, confused at what happened this summer...but I love Him so dearly.

So 2013- all I've got to say is...

Bring. It. On.

This Christmas

Christmas.

That word has always made my heart leap for joy. The music. The presents. The excitement! The bows and gifts and paper. The Christmas Eve service. The Christmas program our church has. The packages coming in the mail. The birth of our Savior. The joy, the salvation, the HOPE He brings. Each little thing each year just made my heart leap for happiness and joy.

This year...

it came a bit differently.

Joy? Oh yes. I have a niece! Who has given me so much joy and thankfulness. Her present is precious :)

Grief? Yes. Pain? Yes. Sadness? Yes.

She's everywhere.

"Where one is born, another leaves, branches on the family tree..." She's in the music.

I distinctly remember the picture frame I got her for Christmas last year, it was black...and white...with a picture of us. She's in the presents, the gifts.

I stood on stage this weekend with all the kids, dressed in their black and white, singing with all the passion in their hearts, "Born is the King, it's Christmas!" She once stood beside me when I was in children's choir. She's there too.

I can see her worshiping, arms lifted, in her seat the Sunday before Christmas- rejoicing that 2,000 years ago the Savior was born for all of us. She's at church.

Finding joy this Christmas season...it's hard. That joy that was there last year- it's not the same.
______

I wrote that post about a week ago...I was in a hard spot. I've been thinking about what I wrote- and then it hit me, sitting in church Sunday...her favorite place, it's like she's closer there.

It hit me...she's in the music, in the gifts, in children's choir, she's at church...

I had been saying it over and over again....she's here. Yes, she's far away...very very far, and no I can't text her, can't run to her and hug her...but in a way- she's here with me every day.

No, it doesn't really make sense how she's still here- but she just is. Some days the hurt is unbearable, I look at her face in pictures and I just want to cry...but other days, there's a weird kind of joy...not the "Oh my goodness I'm so happy!" kind of joy...but joy. Somehow in the pain of today as I write this, in the pain of each day- joy.

I think it's because I know in a while, I'll see her again- I'll be with her and we will get to celebrate the Savior's birth together once again- in the best possible way, praising him together.

This verse has been my best friend lately, "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4

My friends...that's heaven. That's where she is. And oh what a glorious Christmas she will have this year.

So for today...I'm comforted by the thought that I will see her again, and we will get to celebrate Christmas together...And I'll choose to love, to serve with joy, to worship His name just as she is now- right at this very moment.

The BEST Thanksgiving gift :)

10 years ago a thirteen year old girl walked in our front door. Little did we know what a big part of our life she would play.

Over the years she kept coming back to babysit, she kept coming to church...and she kept meaning more and more to each and every one of us.

I remember the time, when I was about 5, we painted ourselves with finger paint- like our whole bodies. And the house was spotless when mom and dad got home. 

I remember the time she came with us to the beach, William slept in her room every night and she got horribly sunburnt on the beach because she wouldn't wear sunscreen. 

I remember when Sonia came home, she came over to see her, I remember the look on her face when she saw Sonia for the first time. 

I remember the day she brought her boyfriend over the first time, we went swimming. I remember the day she asked me to be her bridesmaid and wear that beautiful green dress. I remember when my dad walked her down the isle, tears filled my eyes. I remember the day we stood in the driveway and she handed me a bag of baby stickers and asked me to make their baby book, "You're going to be an aunt!" She said. 

I remember how over all these years, we've grown closer and closer...and now, we're just family. My parents consider her their daughter, she's part of our family. She's my sister.

I remember sitting in the hospital lobby yesterday waiting...and waiting...and waiting...

And then around 5:10 we got a text, "She's here!"

I remember the first time I saw her, my heart filled with joy- I'm an aunt! I couldn't stop smiling, she was so beautiful.

So...I am SO SO SO VERY proud to introduce to you my little niece, 

Harper Elizabeth Land 

I think she's just about the prettiest, most precious thing EVER. Being an aunt so far is pretty much the best thing. 

Proud daddy, with his beautiful baby girl.

My favorite family of three. 

I just love her so much already, she's already brought so much joy to my life. I can't wait to hold her little self today.

So, over these years, our love for Amanda has grown and today...we're all so proud of the newest little Land...the newest little girl in the family. And we can't wait to have a baby at Christmas this year.

Amanda, Nick and Harper- I love you guys!!! Can't wait to watch miss Harper grow and see what the Lord will continue to do through your precious family. Thanks for giving me the best thanksgiving gift and letting me play a part in your lives.

Love, Aunt Bailey :)

Thanksgiving: part 2

As this Thanksgiving approached oh so quickly, I knew it would come with mixed emotions.

It's the first Thanksgiving without my Paige.

And it's painful.

It hurts.

But I look at things...and here's how I've been seeing them lately.

I've been so thankful for the time I had to know her.

For the all the time she invested in me, I wouldn't be me without her.

I've been thankful that she chose me, then 9 year old, to not only invest in but really be a friend to. And over the years...we were more than friends, we were sisters.

I'm thankful the Lord let me have her for as long as He did.

For all the lessons she taught me...about boys, about loving on kids, about life, most importantly about God.

She taught me that it's okay not to be perfect, she knew she wasn't perfect. And she was okay with that...but she continually made an effort to fix things, to make herself more pleasing in His sight.

I'm thankful for her love of life, her joy, and her love for her Savior. 

I'm thankful that on the 22nd of July I got to spend many, many hours with her, doing one of the things we were most passionate about (SWTA).

I'm thankful for the special days we spent together...even though we never got to have one this year.

I'm most thankful for the legacy of love she left behind. So many people know her name- and why? Because she loved life. She loved God, she told people about Him. She left behind an example to follow. One that I have been striving to follow, praying that He would use me like He used her. 

So this Thanksgiving...in the midst of grieving, He has still given me things to be thankful for.

~Bailey