Don't you forget it.

Music plays through my head.

And the words just flow.

Beautifully and perfectly onto the page.

I stand on stage, hands wide, crying, Lord, I need you, oh, I need you. 

How true that always is.

This week in particular.

I look back on Monday.

We all stood on the porch, collapsing into tears- each and every one of us.

My heart broke in half as I watched a grown man, who has become like my older brother, cry. He hugged William and Jonathan. And I could hardly bare it.

I remember the dance parties.

And the movie nights. The time we watched Lion King 1 1/2 and ate Blow Pops.

The homework chair. The long afternoons at the pool.

"You're going to be one of my bridesmaids, aren't you?"

"Will you make the baby's scrapbook?"

"Harper's going to be a big sister!"

I kissed her sweet forehead, memorizing her sweet features, her laughs and giggles.

I hugged her tightly, not wanting to let go. Not wanting her to leave.

"I love you."

She wiped the tears from her cheeks. That was only the third time I had ever seen her cry.

My vision was blurred with tears as I tried to hold it together, tried to be strong.

We walked off, they got in their car, and drove. And drove. And drove.

On Monday, Amanda, Nick, Harper and baby girl on-the-way left for California.

I dreaded the day we'd have to say goodbye.

But it came and went.

And I can now look back and think, He was faithful once again. 

This week I have written.

I have prayed.

I have stayed close to my Jesus.

And He has proven himself so faithful to me.

I'm going to miss them more than I can say.

But, I can't wait to visit California to see my favorite almost one year old, her mom and dad, and her sweet baby sister.

Once again this week- He has been faithful to remind me of His promises. I don't think He will ever let me forget that He will always be faithful. No matter what.

Amanda, Nick, Harper, and little miss Mckinley(I love having a name for you, sweet baby), I love you guys. And though I'd rather you be here, I know God wants you there. So go ahead and find some awesome things for us to do when we come visit next summer. Thanks for everything from the dance parties to letting me help with wedding planning and everything in between. Be safe. And Harper- don't you ever forget I was your favorite in our family from the very beginning!

Love, Bailey Elizabeth

Life as a writer.

Life as a writer is....

Beautiful.

Frustrating.

Challenging.

Hard.

Amazing.

Learning to balance.

And this week I figured out my favorite part.

My favorite thing about writing is this-

When my reality stinks and I'm tired of living in this world, I can turn my mind into the reality of my writing. I can turn my mind around and live in the world of Chrissy and Carter. The world that is right now taking place in Uganda with chocolate babies and fictional characters that are more than real to me.

As a writer- my mind is constantly in two worlds, two different realities. And however odd this sounds, it's really happening.

I'll be sitting at the kitchen table, doing math, and all of the sudden I can see a scene happening in my head, as if it's happening right before my eyes. I can hear the conversation, feel people's emotions.

And I find it beautiful.

On horrible days, I go to Chrissy's world, shaping characters, figuring out plot points, seeing the beauty in her life.

Then I think, doesn't God feel the same way? He's already shaped my story- and it's grander than anything I could ever come up with on my own.

Through writing, somehow I can get a glimpse of how the Grand Author has already shaped my life, my character, my story.

It makes me SO thankful that I'm not in control of my life. Because even on the bad days, or hard weeks, I know it will get better.

I'm thankful today for being an author. For this gift He has given me and the two realities I can find myself in.

Though some days it's frustrating...because I'll be somewhere and feel this wave of creativity move in, and I can't write...it's also so beautiful.

And I love it.

I also can't wait for the day when you get to read book #1, which is now completed.

I'm just praying about what to do next.

And I have no doubt that because He's in control of it all, it will be beautiful.

Uganda. Revisited.

When the Daraja Children's Choir of Africa came to stay with us in May, I never thought it could get better than that. We had three of the sweetest girls and a fabulous intern staying with us for three nights. And it was SO much fun, it always is. Our church worshipped with them in May, and it was beautiful.

Then. I went to Uganda. And it just so happened that the Children's Choir was from Uganda, too.

As we all know, Uganda was...beautiful. Healing. Incredible. I fell in love with that country and their people.

God did some incredible things on that trip...and I will never forget it.

The friendships, the laughter, the emotions, the jumps for joy...everything.

Ever since then- all I've wanted is a simple reminder of Uganda. And it's in the pictures- but it's still not quite the same.

Then tonight...oh, God is so good.

The Daraja Children's Choir was back for their fall tour and they were about thirty minutes from us. We got to go see them at another church.

I never thought it would connect that much. But, oh, when they played the intro video...folks. Let me just tell you.

I don't cry. Like ever. Except over math and sometimes chemistry. But tonight...when they were showing those sweet pearly white smiles and deep, chocolate faces, my mind and heart were brought back to log, hot afternoons in Uganda. When we laughed, and sang and tried to communicate with these kids who didn't speak English.

And my heart was more connected to those children-to their hearts-than I have ever been to anything else before.

Tears threatened to spill over as I watched them talk of dreaming to be someone who made a difference.

And saying that this journey- it's worth it. Because they are making a difference right now.

And precious Ugandan children, let me tell you, you made a difference in my day. You made me feel as if I was back under the eucalyptus trees in Uganda, praising Jesus once again.

So thank you.

Thank you for making me feel as if I was back in Uganda again, back where my heart is. Back where your home is.

Thank you for giving me the chance to worship alongside you tonight, to praise the God who has cleansed us all White As Snow.

You are beautiful, Daraja Children's Choir.

~And to my readers, here's the video that made me cry.

Have fun.~

Beauty.

These past two weeks have been hard. Really hard.

I had a migraine for two weeks straight. That was just awesome.

My heart was hurting.

But now- I'm doing much better.

Day #3(sort of) without a headache!

Haven't cried since Tuesday.

Sunday is youth Sunday.

Which means that the youth Praise Band (which I'm in!) will be playing in big church.

We had practice last night. I love it.

We're playing all our money songs, as Trent calls them. Cornerstone. Be Thou My Vision. Revelation Song.

I'm SO pumped.

Last night we were in practice and I was standing at my keyboard as we played "Great I Am."

I was singing at the top of my lungs, praising Him for being the Great I Am.

And it hit me.

I've been thinking about this time last year a lot lately, but last night- I thought about it differently.

I thought about the emotional wreck I was this time last year, the lack of trust I had in God, I wasn't playing in the Praise Band yet, Caroline and I weren't super close like we are now, everytime I heard "Great I Am" I sobbed.

I thought back to today.

I was standing on stage with Caroline, who has become one of my dearest friends, with Trent, who has basically adopted me as his little sister, with Becca and the rest of the band.

And last night I was thankful.

Because it was beautiful.

I was playing and singing with all that I had, praising Him. And this time last year, I couldn't have done that.

But now- I worship with all of me. I praise Him for being the Great I Am.

And even on days when I don't see it, He is Healer. He is the Great I Am. He is the only thing I will ever need.

And for the first time, I realized that this- this is beautiful.

The road He has me on, this journey, this heartache, this Joy in Him, it is beautiful.

It's a different kind of beauty.

But this healing He has brought me, it is indeed beautiful.

"When my sin is all that I can see,
Your grace remains the shelter that I seek.
And when my weakness is all I can give,
Your gentle Spirit gives me strength again.
And oh, the beauty of Your majesty,
On the cross You showed Your love for me...

You're beautiful, my Lord."

This life is full of beauty. May we always take time to find it, to find Him- our Beautiful Lord.

What's next?

Writing.

Write a book. Edit. Edit some more. Don't like it. Re-write. Edit again. Re-write again. Edit some more. Let people read it. Say you're done. Publish. The end! Famous author.

YEAH, RIGHT.

Let me tell you, it's NOT that easy.

Two years later, and I'm finally finished. It took three, yes three, re-writes, but I'm finally finished.

I'm very proud of my 41,306 words, 100-something pages.

This story...it's not just fiction. It's reflections on my life.

Going to go get Sonia. Traveling to Uganda. Paige dying.

It's all a story. In one way or another, it's how I saw those events. It's how they changed me, just through a new pair of eyes, a few different circumstances.

This story is one of grace. It's one of His beauty. And in the end, it's a story saying that His sovereign hand is in control of every situation in our lives.

For both years, I kept thinking, "I'll self publish and somehow I'll get famous...somehow."

I kept writing and I kept thinking, "I just want a copy in my hands! I don't care how..."

Now I'm finished.

And I don't quite know what to do.

I'm praying...continually asking Him, "Father, what do I do? Give me an answer. Show me what YOU want me to do." 

In all reality- I have no clue what I'm doing!

This is my first manuscript.

My first time walking through this journey...

I've written a cover letter to send off to some literary agents.

I've figured out how to raise the money to self-publish.

But what does He want me to do?

What will bring Him the most glory? What is His will in my writing?

I keep asking myself, "What's next? What do I do next?"

My mom asks, "What do you want to do next? What's your end goal?"

My thoughts? I have no idea. Right now, I don't know what I want. 

All I know right now is that I want a copy of MY book in MY hands.

I know that I want my writing to bring HIM glory.

But in the same breath I ask, what if I don't become a famous author? What if my writing is pointless?

And I just laugh and remember...it doesn't matter. If I don't become a famous author- who cares? Me, maybe. Because in the end...if my writing helps two or three people realize He is sovereign and perfect, then that's perfect.

In the end, if my writing brings Him glory...

Then I have accomplished the greatest goal.

And my writing won't be pointless- because His glory is the ultimate thing to strive for.

Closeness to Him is all I should strive for.

And whatever happens...

It's perfect. And it's in His will.

No matter what happens, no matter how hard it is to accept, no matter how frustrating life can be...

He is sovereign.

There's a very obvious reminder of this every time I open my book on the computer. The title comes up first...and I'm reminded it's all for Him, to Him and through Him.

"For I Know the Plans..." 

This weekend has been great.

Caroline, Jenna and I went to Trent and Sydney's house for a girls night. We watched Pride and Prejudice. He's the best adopted big brother.

I've been writing a lot.

The sequel is amazing. I don't know what in the world I'm going to do with the first one...I guess that would be important.

I wrote for almost four hours Tuesday. It was magical.

School is...crazy.

Overwhelming.

I just wanted this year to be different. Easier.

Oh well.

But after it all...

God is good.

John 16:33
        “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

"All our failure and all our fear,
God our love, He has overcome
All our heartache, and all our pain,
God our healer, He has overcome.

All our burdens, and all our shame,
God our freedom, He has overcome,
All our troubles, and all our tears,
God our hope, He has overcome.

All our failures, and all our fear,
God our love, He has overcome,
God our justice, God our grace,
God our freedom, He has overcome.

God our refuge, God our strength,
God is with us, He has overcome."
~Take Heart, Hillsong

7/24/13

And, oh, I'm running to your arms.
I'm running to your arms.
The riches of your love will always be enough.
Nothing compares to your embrace.
Light of the world forever reign.

My heart will sing no other name, Jesus, Jesus.

~~~

"I will not cause pain
    without allowing something new to be born," says the Lord.
-Isaiah 66:9

~~~

This day is hard.

I won't pretend.

My heart is hurting.

Remembering the thoughts flying through my mind exactly one year ago.

"God don't take her. I can't do this without her."

~~~

Hebrews 11:32-35

"And what more shall I say? For time would fail me to tell of Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, of David and Samuel and the prophets— who through faith conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, were made strong out of weakness, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight. Women received back their dead by resurrection. Some were tortured, refusing to accept release, so that they might rise again to a better life."

~~~

I rest today on the same faith in Hebrews 11.

The one that makes my weaknesses STRONG.

I can do ANYTHING through this faith.

I can find HOPE and JOY on a day of an anniversary of death.

~~~

Today-

she wouldn't want me being sad.

She wouldn't want me to spend my day moping around.

She would want me to LIVE.

John 10:10

"I came that they may have life and have it abundantly."- JESUS.

He wants me to have life. To live. And to live abundantly.

She would want me to celebrate my 16th birthday.

So.

Today I'm going to LIVE.

I'm going to LAUGH with my best friend this afternoon.

I'm going to do just as she would have done.

LIVE ABUNDANTLY.