Thanksgiving: part 2

As this Thanksgiving approached oh so quickly, I knew it would come with mixed emotions.

It's the first Thanksgiving without my Paige.

And it's painful.

It hurts.

But I look at things...and here's how I've been seeing them lately.

I've been so thankful for the time I had to know her.

For the all the time she invested in me, I wouldn't be me without her.

I've been thankful that she chose me, then 9 year old, to not only invest in but really be a friend to. And over the years...we were more than friends, we were sisters.

I'm thankful the Lord let me have her for as long as He did.

For all the lessons she taught me...about boys, about loving on kids, about life, most importantly about God.

She taught me that it's okay not to be perfect, she knew she wasn't perfect. And she was okay with that...but she continually made an effort to fix things, to make herself more pleasing in His sight.

I'm thankful for her love of life, her joy, and her love for her Savior. 

I'm thankful that on the 22nd of July I got to spend many, many hours with her, doing one of the things we were most passionate about (SWTA).

I'm thankful for the special days we spent together...even though we never got to have one this year.

I'm most thankful for the legacy of love she left behind. So many people know her name- and why? Because she loved life. She loved God, she told people about Him. She left behind an example to follow. One that I have been striving to follow, praying that He would use me like He used her. 

So this Thanksgiving...in the midst of grieving, He has still given me things to be thankful for.

~Bailey

Thanksgiving: part 1

As Thanksgiving quickly approaches...many thoughts come through my mind.

So this is Thanksgiving: part 1

This time next week, we will be celebrating three years with our sweet Sonia Grace.

THREE YEARS!

It seems quite impossible really, not the fact that it's been three years, but the fact that she hasn't always been here. It seems like she's been here forever, she asks questions and says things now..."When I was in mywanda(Rwanda) you came to get me and you brought me home."

Oh, how much she has changed over the past three years.

She came home, she could barely speak any English, now she carries on full conversations, tells endless stories. There's barely any baby talk left. And it's so sad, I miss my baby girl.

She came home with barely any hair, it's now long enough to do braids with beads. And she loves it!

She's tall now. And she loves to wear her boots "that are just like sissy's." She loves to wear makeup, which only consists of mascara and a bit of eye shadow- but it makes her feel like a big girl- like sissy. She doesn't like to be held, unless she's upset or hurt. And she only let's mommy rock her, if she let's her rock her at all, because, "Mom, I'm a big girl like sissy, I don't need to be rocked anymore, remember?" She loves Doc. Mcstuffins, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, and Jake and the Neverland Pirates. She does preschool with mom each morning when we do school. She can read words like, "CAT," and "TOM." Oh, and she has "4" loose teeth(by loose, I mean barely wiggling, but still)

In the blink of an eye, our Sonia Grace has gone from this:

To this: 

Sonia Grace, I'm so thankful for you. I'm so thankful for the little lady you are becoming. I'm thankful YOU are my sister. That each morning I get to hear you say, "Good morning Sissy!" I'm thankful for your joy, your little stories, your sweet excitement for baby Harper...and your little self. Even though sometimes it breaks my heart, I've loved watching you grow up and mature. I love you a whole lot, sweet girl of mine. And I'm so very thankful for you this Thanksgiving.

Love, Sissy

I just love them...

So... in less than a month...

Sweet baby girl will be here...

And oh my word, aren't they just the cutest?

Love them so much. And can't stinkin' wait to meet sweet Harper!

This joy the Father is gifting me with through them is just priceless. So, so, thankful.

~Bailey

P.S. Jessica over at The Making of M.O.M. took these pics...how lovely :)

On her 16th :)

To my best friend....

In the whole world...

On her 16th birthday!



HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I LOVE YOU!

More than Beauty loves Beast.

More than Mickey loves Minnie.

More than Donald loves Daisy.

More than Cinderella loves Prince Charming.

More than Jasmine loves Aladdin.



More than Sleeping Beauty loves Prince Phillip.

More than Flynn Rider loves Rapunzel.

More than Bo Peep loves Woody.

More than Ariel loves Eric.

More than Simba loves Nala.

I just love you :) And I'm so thankful for you!

~Bailey

Refreshing...

So we went to the mountains.

Just for 24ish hours.

But still.

We got away, as a family, just us.

Yesterday morning I sat on the swing on the front porch/patio of the cabin doing my quiet time while watching the sun peek through the trees.

It was breathtaking.

Up there....I could think. I felt peace. I didn't feel rushed to go places or see people. It was calm.

For the first time in two months...yes, it's been two months...and how it still hurts just as bad and how I still miss her just as much, I have no idea...

I could think clearly, I knew what peace felt like, and I could miss her without worrying about putting on a brave face for other people.

It's a great place up there, the mountains.

But I couldn't help thinking...I wish we were at Boone...visiting her.

But I rested in God's promises, and his BEAUTIFUL creation right in front of my eyes.

We had campfires. We had s'mores. I swung in a hammock. I did school outside all day. I even worked ahead for today(which was so nice).

I thought about her often. And how she gets to see God smiling over his creation that he made. How she gets to watch the trees change colors from up above. How I hope that she is proud of me that I'm living life joyfully again. Smile again. Laugh again.

I could miss her without being sad. I could remember her. Think of her.

It was a glorious 24ish hours with the family.

A refreshing 24 hours. It's amazing what 24 hours can do- seriously.

And I come back refreshed, ready to face today and tomorrow...and whatever comes.

And I know that God will always refresh us just when we need it.

Like he did for me.

~Bailey

P.S. Emily Grace's birthday is Monday...and I'm SO excited! Woo hoo! So I'll be back soon :)

Somehow....

Sunday night we stood behind the stage and held hands as we prayed.

We then walked onto the stage, took our places and began to sing.

The heaviness of missing her lifted, just for then, as I began to praise my creator.

I sat at the piano, playing and singing passionately to the One who is, "mighty to save..." to the One that can, "move the mountains."

I was able to worship my Creator for who He is, without thoughts crawling back into my mind.

I was able to think, "She has the best seat in the house...I bet she is so proud...I can hear her saying, 'God, God, come look at these kids! Look what they are doing for you! See her, yeah, that's my Bailey,'" without feeling sad.

Somehow...it seems when I open my heart for worship...I feel free. And happy. And I can miss her without being sad.

At the end of our worship night we walked off stage and as I was hugged and praised for what we had done...I thought..."This wasn't for me. I didn't have fun because people were here to see me play piano or my brothers and my friend play guitar...I had fun because my Creator loves me enough to let me worship Him and lead others in worship to Him!"

Because somehow when I'm in God's presence, worshiping Him, I can smile. I can be happy. I can feel comforted. I can feel her.

And I smiled that night. And I laughed, as I have done many times these past few months, but this time...my heart was just...it was just different.

Because somehow in God's presence...I can feel Him moving easier. I can feel Him surrounding me. I can feel Him loving me...and saying, "Paige saw you tonight. She loved it. I loved it so much more. Because you are mine, and you worshiped me tonight with no hesitation. You didn't care what others thought. You were worshiping me with your whole heart. And I love you dearest child."

When I'm worshiping- God feels closer. And because God feels closer- Paige does too.

And when Paige feels closer, somehow...I can feel God's love so much more.

I can really smile. I can really laugh. I can really have fun- when I feel His love.

And I'm doing it. More and more each day. Not every day. But it's happening. Happiness- it's there. Joyfulness- it's there. They may be hard to find...but somehow, even when you can't see it, they are there.

God's love- it's there, each and every day.

So smile. So be happy. So love others.

Because somehow- even through our sins and our horrible attitudes, God loves us each day. And he wants us to smile and be happy and to love others.

AND- Paige would be the one encouraging me, even through this hard time, to find joy. To find happiness. To continue to choose to feel God's love. Because that's who she was.

So I'm going to be like her.

I'm going to choose to miss her...but while I search for joy. And for happiness. And continue to choose God's love.

And if bad days happen...that's okay. And I've accepted them. They're part of the process. But after that...I'm going to continue to search for joy, happiness and God's love.

What will you choose this day?

~Bailey

Each day...

We stand in church.

I hear the beat...I know the song.

And I sing the words, my heart heavy, but somehow I'm able to praise Him.

"Great I am, Great I am..."

It was her song.

And I don't cry.

Because I can't.

And people don't understand why I wasn't crying.

I've done so much of it already. And sometimes...you just can't. Your heart is hard, you are angry at nothing in particular - just angry she's gone, angry she's not here to sing it with you.

The song ends...I take a deep breath...I have to keep going.

I walk up to my adult friend Melissa, holding her seven year old little girl, who is crying into her shoulder.

"She misses Paige." Melissa tells me. I hold my hands out for Haley to come into.

I stand holding her tightly in my arms in the worship center as people pass around us and she cries onto my shoulder, tears dripping onto my shirt. I miss her too, sweet girl, I miss her too, I think.

Her dad takes her to Sunday school.

I go to Sunday school. I try to look like I'm paying attention...but I'm so tired, I have no idea what my teacher is talking about.

I show Melissa a book of memories I made of Paige and I over the 6ish years I knew her. I still don't cry. I just don't have tears.

The rest of the day, I miss her. I do other things...but I miss her.

And every day, I wake up and my mom asks me, "You okay this morning?"

"Not really." Tears well in my eyes as she kisses me on the forehead. But I still don't cry.

I go through the day...missing her.

And missing her some more. Praying nothing reminds me too much of her. Because it just makes it worse.

I hate checking the mail...it reminds me of the giddy feeling I would get when one of her letters would come.

So I go through each day...thanking God he's giving me such strength. And loving Him...and relying on Him more and more. And thanking Him for the time I had with her and the relationship we shared.

And tomorrow night, as I lead worship with some friends, I will be praising God...picturing her in the audience singing along with her whole heart...no shoes on...her bible under her chair...and her heart completely sold out for her savior.

~Bailey