1 month....

"Paige went to sleep last night, and she never woke back up. She went to heaven this morning." I sobbed for hours.

It's been a month.

The longest month of my life.

Yet it seems like yesterday when she left us.

I'm still hurting just the same.

I'm still crying.

I'm still asking- "Why?"

I'm still taking life day by day, and even though it's hard, I'm putting one foot in front of the other.

And it's hard to keep going when it seems like so many people around you, except for those she was closest to, are just moving on with their lives and I'm over here crying all the time because my heart hurts so badly.

I'm choosing to cling to God's word and His promises, one of the hardest things right now.

I still miss her just as much, if not more.

And I still want the same thing as every day that has passed.

Paige.

"There was a time when life was simple,
life was beautiful,
oh it was a brighter day, oh it was a brighter day.
Now every step is met with struggle, and I'm not strong enough.
I need to know it's not in vain, I need to know it's worth this pain.
So tell me when the winds will change,
Oh, oh, oh, come rush in like a hurricane,
come lead me through the flood and flame,
don't let me walk away...Till we see brighter days...
Oh this is not the end of me. No pain is not the enemy.
I'm just learning how to change, oh, oh, oh
won't you keep me on my knees until you have a hold of me and we see brighter days...
We see brighter days.
'Till we see brighter days."
-Brighter Days, Eddie Kirkland

~Bailey

Paige...

I miss you Paige. Your voice. Your laughter. You.

Love, Bailey.

She's all I want.

I want to write, to tell you all how I am.

But I really don't have any words to describe my feelings right now.

I'm tired of questions.
I'm hurting.
I'm overwhelmed.
I'm tired of how busy we've been this week- but hey it's reality.

School starts Tuesday, and I really don't know how in the world I'm going to do it. I don't. My mind explodes every time I think of it.

I miss her.
I want to just text her and talk for hours.
I want to get giddy when a letter from her is in the mailbox.
I want this to show up when my phone vibrates, "Paige :):)"
But it's not.
My heart hurts.
I want to sit beside her at Perfect Blend on our special day together.
I want her to get really excited about my book and how far I've come with it.
I want to walk in downtown Lexington as she takes pictures of me and anything that looks cute.
I want her to be here, to be there for me.

I just want Paige. That's all I want.

~Bailey

I miss her.

I think I'm ready to write again.

I want to be happy, I want to wake up and be happy and not be continually grieving.

But at the same time I don't- because I'm scared I will forget her. Forget the sweet memories we had. Forget how much love she showed me. Forget how much I love her.

Every morning I wake up- she's the first thing that comes to my mind.

"Paige is gone." First thought, every morning, without fail.

She was my mentor. My friend. My sister. She was so much to me.

Yesterday, I thought- "Hey! I want to talk to Paige!" Got out my phone, flipped it open and grief filled my heart yet again knowing I will never have another texting conversation with her about nothing in particular, just talking about life. I will never get another letter from her. Ever.

And I know how happy she is, and how she would want me to be happy. But I just can't. It just hurts too much.

My biggest fear is not about my own life, about the future or what is to come. It is forgetting her. Forgetting everything that she meant to me. I cling tight to the memories... the pictures... and the letters we shared.

I'm fearful.
I'm angry at nothing in particular.
I'm broken.
I'm hurting.
I'm tired of questions.
I'm ready to wake up from this horrible dream.

But it's reality. Horrible reality that is my life.

I don't want to move on. I want to miss her forever.

I miss her so much. So so so much.

~Bailey

Oh and sorry my blog is so depressing right now.